Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland(page 5)

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The hedgehog was engaged in a fight with another
hedgehog, which seemed to Alice an excellent
opportunity for croqueting one of them with the other:
the only difficulty was, that her flamingo was gone across
to the other side of the garden, where Alice could see it
trying in a helpless sort of way to fly up into a tree.
By the time she had caught the flamingo and brought it
back, the fight was over, and both the hedgehogs were out
of sight: ‘but it doesn’t matter much,’ thought Alice, ‘as all
the arches are gone from this side of the ground.’ So she
tucked it away under her arm, that it might not escape
again, and went back for a little more conversation with
her friend.
When she got back to the Cheshire Cat, she was
surprised to find quite a large crowd collected round it:
there was a dispute going on between the executioner, the

King, and the Queen, who were all talking at once, while
all the rest were quite silent, and looked very
uncomfortable.
The moment Alice appeared, she was appealed to by all
three to settle the question, and they repeated their
arguments to her, though, as they all spoke at once, she
found it very hard indeed to make out exactly what they
said.
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The executioner’s argument was, that you couldn’t cut
off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from: that
he had never had to do such a thing before, and he wasn’t
going to begin at his time of life.
The King’s argument was, that anything that had a
head could be beheaded, and that you weren’t to talk
nonsense.
The Queen’s argument was, that if something wasn’t
done about it in less than no time she’d have everybody
executed, all round. (It was this last remark that had made
the whole party look so grave and anxious.)
Alice could think of nothing else to say but ‘It belongs
to the Duchess: you’d better ask her about it.’
’She’s in prison,’ the Queen said to the executioner:
‘fetch her here.’ And the executioner went off like an
arrow.
The Cat’s head began fading away the moment he was
gone, and, by the time he had come back with the
Dutchess, it had entirely disappeared; so the King and the
executioner ran wildly up and down looking for it, while
the rest of the party went back to the game.
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CHAPTER IX: The Mock Turtle’s Story
’You can’t think how glad I am to see you again, you
dear old thing!’ said the Duchess, as she tucked her arm
affectionately into Alice’s, and they walked off together.
Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant
temper, and thought to herself that perhaps it was only the
pepper that had made her so savage when they met in the
kitchen.
’When I’m a Duchess,’ she said to herself, (not in a very
hopeful tone though), ‘I won’t have any pepper in my
kitchen at all. Soup does very well without—Maybe it’s
always pepper that makes people hot-tempered,’ she went
on, very much pleased at having found out a new kind of
rule, ‘and vinegar that makes them sour—and camomile
that makes them bitter—and—and barley-sugar and such
things that make children sweet-tempered. I only wish
people knew that: then they wouldn’t be so stingy about
it, you know—’
She had quite forgotten the Duchess by this time, and
was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her
ear. ‘You’re thinking about something, my dear, and that
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makes you forget to talk. I can’t tell you just now what the
moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.’
’Perhaps it hasn’t one,’ Alice ventured to remark.
’Tut, tut, child!’ said the Duchess. ‘Everything’s got a
moral, if only you can find it.’ And she squeezed herself
up closer to Alice’s side as she spoke.
Alice did not much like keeping so close to her: first,
because the Duchess was VERY ugly; and secondly,
because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin
upon Alice’s shoulder, and it was an uncomfortably sharp
chin. However, she did not like to be rude, so she bore it
as well as she could.
’The game’s going on rather better now,’ she said, by
way of keeping up the conversation a little.
’’Tis so,’ said the Duchess: ‘and the moral of that is—
‘Oh, ‘tis love, ‘tis love, that makes the world go round!‘‘
’Somebody said,’ Alice whispered, ‘that it’s done by
everybody minding their own business!’
’Ah, well! It means much the same thing,’ said the
Duchess, digging her sharp little chin into Alice’s shoulder
as she added, ‘and the moral of that is—‘Take care of the
sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.‘‘
’How fond she is of finding morals in things!’ Alice
thought to herself.
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’I dare say you’re wondering why I don’t put my arm
round your waist,’ the Duchess said after a pause: ‘the
reason is, that I’m doubtful about the temper of your
flamingo. Shall I try the experiment?’
’He might bite,’ Alice cautiously replied, not feeling at
all anxious to have the experiment tried.
’Very true,’ said the Duchess: ‘flamingoes and mustard
both bite. And the moral of that is—‘Birds of a feather
flock together.‘‘
’Only mustard isn’t a bird,’ Alice remarked.
’Right, as usual,’ said the Duchess: ‘what a clear way
you have of putting things!’
’It’s a mineral, I think,’ said Alice.
’Of course it is,’ said the Duchess, who seemed ready to
agree to everything that Alice said; ‘there’s a large
mustard-mine near here. And the moral of that is—‘The
more there is of mine, the less there is of yours.‘‘
’Oh, I know!’ exclaimed Alice, who had not attended
to this last remark, ‘it’s a vegetable. It doesn’t look like
one, but it is.’
’I quite agree with you,’ said the Duchess; ‘and the
moral of that is—‘Be what you would seem to be’—or if
you’d like it put more simply—‘Never imagine yourself
not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others
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that what you were or might have been was not otherwise
than what you had been would have appeared to them to
be otherwise.‘‘
’I think I should understand that better,’ Alice said very
politely, ‘if I had it written down: but I can’t quite follow
it as you say it.’
’That’s nothing to what I could say if I chose,’ the
Duchess replied, in a pleased tone.
’Pray don’t trouble yourself to say it any longer than
that,’ said Alice.
’Oh, don’t talk about trouble!’ said the Duchess. ‘I
make you a present of everything I’ve said as yet.’
’A cheap sort of present!’ thought Alice. ‘I’m glad they
don’t give birthday presents like that!’ But she did not
venture to say it out loud.
’Thinking again?’ the Duchess asked, with another dig
of her sharp little chin.
’I’ve a right to think,’ said Alice sharply, for she was
beginning to feel a little worried.
’Just about as much right,’ said the Duchess, ‘as pigs
have to fly; and the m—’
But here, to Alice’s great surprise, the Duchess’s voice
died away, even in the middle of her favourite word
‘moral,’ and the arm that was linked into hers began to
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tremble. Alice looked up, and there stood the Queen in
front of them, with her arms folded, frowning like a
thunderstorm.
’A fine day, your Majesty!’ the Duchess began in a low,
weak voice.
’Now, I give you fair warning,’ shouted the Queen,
stamping on the ground as she spoke; ‘either you or your
head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take
your choice!’
The Duchess took her choice, and was gone in a
moment.
’Let’s go on with the game,’ the Queen said to Alice;
and Alice was too much frightened to say a word, but
slowly followed her back to the croquet-ground.
The other guests had taken advantage of the Queen’s
absence, and were resting in the shade: however, the
moment they saw her, they hurried back to the game, the
Queen merely remarking that a moment’s delay would
cost them their lives.
All the time they were playing the Queen never left off
quarrelling with the other players, and shouting ‘Off with
his head!’ or ‘Off with her head!’ Those whom she
sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers, who of
course had to leave off being arches to do this, so that by
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the end of half an hour or so there were no arches left, and
all the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice,
were in custody and under sentence of execution.
Then the Queen left off, quite out of breath, and said
to Alice, ‘Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?’
’No,’ said Alice. ‘I don’t even know what a Mock
Turtle is.’
’It’s the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from,’ said
the Queen.
’I never saw one, or heard of one,’ said Alice.
’Come on, then,’ said the Queen, ‘and he shall tell you
his history,’
As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say
in a low voice, to the company generally, ‘You are all
pardoned.’ ‘Come, that’s a good thing!’ she said to herself,
for she had felt quite unhappy at the number of executions
the Queen had ordered.
They very soon came upon a Gryphon, lying fast asleep
in the sun. (IF you don’t know what a Gryphon is, look at
the picture.) ‘Up, lazy thing!’ said the Queen, ‘and take
this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his
history. I must go back and see after some executions I
have ordered’; and she walked off, leaving Alice alone
with the Gryphon. Alice did not quite like the look of the
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creature, but on the whole she thought it would be quite
as safe to stay with it as to go after that savage Queen: so
she waited.
The Gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes: then it
watched the Queen till she was out of sight: then it
chuckled. ‘What fun!’ said the Gryphon, half to itself, half
to Alice.
’What IS the fun?’ said Alice.
’Why, she,’ said the Gryphon. ‘It’s all her fancy, that:
they never executes nobody, you know. Come on!’
’Everybody says ‘come on!’ here,’ thought Alice, as she
went slowly after it: ‘I never was so ordered about in all
my life, never!’
They had not gone far before they saw the Mock
Turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little
ledge of rock, and, as they came nearer, Alice could hear
him sighing as if his heart would break. She pitied him
deeply. ‘What is his sorrow?’ she asked the Gryphon, and
the Gryphon answered, very nearly in the same words as
before, ‘It’s all his fancy, that: he hasn’t got no sorrow,
you know. Come on!’
So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at
them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.
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’This here young lady,’ said the Gryphon, ‘she wants
for to know your history, she do.’
’I’ll tell it her,’ said the Mock Turtle in a deep, hollow
tone: ‘sit down, both of you, and don’t speak a word till
I’ve finished.’
So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes.
Alice thought to herself, ‘I don’t see how he can even
finish, if he doesn’t begin.’ But she waited patiently.
’Once,’ said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh,
‘I was a real Turtle.’
These words were followed by a very long silence,
broken only by an occasional exclamation of ‘Hjckrrh!’
from the Gryphon, and the constant heavy sobbing of the
Mock Turtle. Alice was very nearly getting up and saying,
‘Thank you, sir, for your interesting story,’ but she could
not help thinking there must be more to come, so she sat
still and said nothing.
’When we were little,’ the Mock Turtle went on at
last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and
then, ‘we went to school in the sea. The master was an old
Turtle—we used to call him Tortoise—’
’Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn’t one?’
Alice asked.
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’We called him Tortoise because he taught us,’ said the
Mock Turtle angrily: ‘really you are very dull!’
’You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a
simple question,’ added the Gryphon; and then they both
sat silent and looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink
into the earth. At last the Gryphon said to the Mock
Turtle, ‘Drive on, old fellow! Don’t be all day about it!’
and he went on in these words:
’Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn’t
believe it—’
’I never said I didn’t!’ interrupted Alice.
’You did,’ said the Mock Turtle.
’Hold your tongue!’ added the Gryphon, before Alice
could speak again. The Mock Turtle went on.
’We had the best of educations—in fact, we went to
school every day—’
’I’ve been to a day-school, too,’ said Alice; ‘you needn’t
be so proud as all that.’
’With extras?’ asked the Mock Turtle a little anxiously.
’Yes,’ said Alice, ‘we learned French and music.’
’And washing?’ said the Mock Turtle.
’Certainly not!’ said Alice indignantly.
’Ah! then yours wasn’t a really good school,’ said the
Mock Turtle in a tone of great relief. ‘Now at ours they
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had at the end of the bill, ‘French, music, and washing—
extra.‘‘
’You couldn’t have wanted it much,’ said Alice; ‘living
at the bottom of the sea.’
’I couldn’t afford to learn it.’ said the Mock Turtle with
a sigh. ‘I only took the regular course.’
’What was that?’ inquired Alice.
’Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with,’ the
Mock Turtle replied; ‘and then the different branches of
Arithmetic— Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and
Derision.’
’I never heard of ‘Uglification,‘‘ Alice ventured to say.
‘What is it?’
The Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise. ‘What!
Never heard of uglifying!’ it exclaimed. ‘You know what
to beautify is, I suppose?’
’Yes,’ said Alice doubtfully: ‘it means—to—make—
anything—prettier.’
’Well, then,’ the Gryphon went on, ‘if you don’t know
what to uglify is, you are a simpleton.’
Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more
questions about it, so she turned to the Mock Turtle, and
said ‘What else had you to learn?’
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’Well, there was Mystery,’ the Mock Turtle replied,
counting off the subjects on his flappers, ‘—Mystery,
ancient and modern, with Seaography: then Drawling—
the Drawling-master was an old conger-eel, that used to
come once a week: He taught us Drawling, Stretching,
and Fainting in Coils.’
’What was that like?’ said Alice.
’Well, I can’t show it you myself,’ the Mock Turtle
said: ‘I’m too stiff. And the Gryphon never learnt it.’
’Hadn’t time,’ said the Gryphon: ‘I went to the Classics
master, though. He was an old crab, he was.’
’I never went to him,’ the Mock Turtle said with a
sigh: ‘he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.’
’So he did, so he did,’ said the Gryphon, sighing in his
turn; and both creatures hid their faces in their paws.
’And how many hours a day did you do lessons?’ said
Alice, in a hurry to change the subject.
’Ten hours the first day,’ said the Mock Turtle: ‘nine
the next, and so on.’
’What a curious plan!’ exclaimed Alice.
’That’s the reason they’re called lessons,’ the Gryphon
remarked: ‘because they lessen from day to day.’
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This was quite a new idea to Alice, and she thought it
over a little before she made her next remark. ‘Then the
eleventh day must have been a holiday?’
’Of course it was,’ said the Mock Turtle.
’And how did you manage on the twelfth?’ Alice went
on eagerly.
’That’s enough about lessons,’ the Gryphon interrupted
in a very decided tone: ‘tell her something about the
games now.’
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CHAPTER X: The Lobster Quadrille
The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and drew the back of
one flapper across his eyes. He looked at Alice, and tried
to speak, but for a minute or two sobs choked his voice.
‘Same as if he had a bone in his throat,’ said the Gryphon:
and it set to work shaking him and punching him in the
back. At last the Mock Turtle recovered his voice, and,
with tears running down his cheeks, he went on again:—
’You may not have lived much under the sea—’ (’I
haven’t,’ said Alice)— ‘and perhaps you were never even
introduced to a lobster—’ (Alice began to say ‘I once
tasted—’ but checked herself hastily, and said ‘No, never’)
‘—so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a
Lobster Quadrille is!’
’No, indeed,’ said Alice. ‘What sort of a dance is it?’
’Why,’ said the Gryphon, ‘you first form into a line
along the sea-shore—’
’Two lines!’ cried the Mock Turtle. ‘Seals, turtles,
salmon, and so on; then, when you’ve cleared all the jellyfish
out of the way—’
’THAT generally takes some time,’ interrupted the
Gryphon.
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’—you advance twice—’
’Each with a lobster as a partner!’ cried the Gryphon.
’Of course,’ the Mock Turtle said: ‘advance twice, set
to partners—’
’—change lobsters, and retire in same order,’ continued
the Gryphon.
’Then, you know,’ the Mock Turtle went on, ‘you
throw the—’
’The lobsters!’ shouted the Gryphon, with a bound into
the air.
’—as far out to sea as you can—’
’Swim after them!’ screamed the Gryphon.
’Turn a somersault in the sea!’ cried the Mock Turtle,
capering wildly about.
’Change lobster’s again!’ yelled the Gryphon at the top
of its voice.
’Back to land again, and that’s all the first figure,’ said
the Mock Turtle, suddenly dropping his voice; and the
two creatures, who had been jumping about like mad
things all this time, sat down again very sadly and quietly,
and looked at Alice.
’It must be a very pretty dance,’ said Alice timidly.
’Would you like to see a little of it?’ said the Mock
Turtle.
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’Very much indeed,’ said Alice.
’Come, let’s try the first figure!’ said the Mock Turtle
to the Gryphon. ‘We can do without lobsters, you know.
Which shall sing?’
’Oh, YOU sing,’ said the Gryphon. ‘I’ve forgotten the
words.’
So they began solemnly dancing round and round
Alice, every now and then treading on her toes when they
passed too close, and waving their forepaws to mark the
time, while the Mock Turtle sang this, very slowly and
sadly:—
’’Will you walk a little faster?’ said a whiting to a snail.
‘There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! They are
waiting on the shingle—will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the
dance? Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you
join the dance?
"You can really have no notion how delightful it will be
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to
sea!’ But the snail replied ‘Too far, too far!’ and gave a look
askance— Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not
join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not,
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would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not,
could not, could not join the dance.
’’What matters it how far we go?’ his scaly friend replied.
‘There is another shore, you know, upon the other side. The
further off from England the nearer is to France— Then turn not
pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance.
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the
dance? Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you
join the dance?‘‘
’Thank you, it’s a very interesting dance to watch,’ said
Alice, feeling very glad that it was over at last: ‘and I do so
like that curious song about the whiting!’
’Oh, as to the whiting,’ said the Mock Turtle, ‘they—
you’ve seen them, of course?’
’Yes,’ said Alice, ‘I’ve often seen them at dinn—’ she
checked herself hastily.
’I don’t know where Dinn may be,’ said the Mock
Turtle, ‘but if you’ve seen them so often, of course you
know what they’re like.’
’I believe so,’ Alice replied thoughtfully. ‘They have
their tails in their mouths—and they’re all over crumbs.’
’You’re wrong about the crumbs,’ said the Mock
Turtle: ‘crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But they
have their tails in their mouths; and the reason is—’ here
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the Mock Turtle yawned and shut his eyes.—’Tell her
about the reason and all that,’ he said to the Gryphon.
’The reason is,’ said the Gryphon, ‘that they would go
with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to
sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails
fast in their mouths. So they couldn’t get them out again.
That’s all.’
’Thank you,’ said Alice, ‘it’s very interesting. I never
knew so much about a whiting before.’
’I can tell you more than that, if you like,’ said the
Gryphon. ‘Do you know why it’s called a whiting?’
’I never thought about it,’ said Alice. ‘Why?’
’It does the boots and shoes.’ the Gryphon replied very
solemnly.
Alice was thoroughly puzzled. ‘Does the boots and
shoes!’ she repeated in a wondering tone.
’Why, what are your shoes done with?’ said the
Gryphon. ‘I mean, what makes them so shiny?’
Alice looked down at them, and considered a little
before she gave her answer. ‘They’re done with blacking,
I believe.’
’Boots and shoes under the sea,’ the Gryphon went on
in a deep voice, ‘are done with a whiting. Now you
know.’
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’And what are they made of?’ Alice asked in a tone of
great curiosity.
’Soles and eels, of course,’ the Gryphon replied rather
impatiently: ‘any shrimp could have told you that.’
’If I’d been the whiting,’ said Alice, whose thoughts
were still running on the song, ‘I’d have said to the
porpoise, ‘Keep back, please: we don’t want you with us!‘‘
’They were obliged to have him with them,’ the Mock
Turtle said: ‘no wise fish would go anywhere without a
porpoise.’
’Wouldn’t it really?’ said Alice in a tone of great
surprise.