Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland(page 4)

’I didn’t know it was your table,’ said Alice; ‘it’s laid for
a great many more than three.’
’Your hair wants cutting,’ said the Hatter. He had been
looking at Alice for some time with great curiosity, and
this was his first speech.
’You should learn not to make personal remarks,’ Alice
said with some severity; ‘it’s very rude.’
The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this;
but all he said was, ‘Why is a raven like a writing-desk?’
’Come, we shall have some fun now!’ thought Alice.
‘I’m glad they’ve begun asking riddles.—I believe I can
guess that,’ she added aloud.
’Do you mean that you think you can find out the
answer to it?’ said the March Hare.
’Exactly so,’ said Alice.
’Then you should say what you mean,’ the March Hare
went on.
’I do,’ Alice hastily replied; ‘at least—at least I mean
what I say—that’s the same thing, you know.’
’Not the same thing a bit!’ said the Hatter. ‘You might
just as well say that ‘I see what I eat’ is the same thing as ‘I
eat what I see’!’
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’You might just as well say,’ added the March Hare,
‘that ‘I like what I get’ is the same thing as ‘I get what I
like’!’

’You might just as well say,’ added the Dormouse, who
seemed to be talking in his sleep, ‘that ‘I breathe when I
sleep’ is the same thing as ‘I sleep when I breathe’!’
’It is the same thing with you,’ said the Hatter, and
here the conversation dropped, and the party sat silent for
a minute, while Alice thought over all she could
remember about ravens and writing-desks, which wasn’t
much.
The Hatter was the first to break the silence. ‘What day
of the month is it?’ he said, turning to Alice: he had taken
his watch out of his pocket, and was looking at it uneasily,
shaking it every now and then, and holding it to his ear.
Alice considered a little, and then said ‘The fourth.’
’Two days wrong!’ sighed the Hatter. ‘I told you butter
wouldn’t suit the works!’ he added looking angrily at the
March Hare.
’It was the best butter,’ the March Hare meekly replied.
’Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well,’ the
Hatter grumbled: ‘you shouldn’t have put it in with the
bread-knife.’
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The March Hare took the watch and looked at it
gloomily: then he dipped it into his cup of tea, and looked
at it again: but he could think of nothing better to say than
his first remark, ‘It was the best butter, you know.’
Alice had been looking over his shoulder with some
curiosity. ‘What a funny watch!’ she remarked. ‘It tells the
day of the month, and doesn’t tell what o’clock it is!’
’Why should it?’ muttered the Hatter. ‘Does your watch
tell you what year it is?’
’Of course not,’ Alice replied very readily: ‘but that’s
because it stays the same year for such a long time
together.’
’Which is just the case with mine,’ said the Hatter.
Alice felt dreadfully puzzled. The Hatter’s remark
seemed to have no sort of meaning in it, and yet it was
certainly English. ‘I don’t quite understand you,’ she said,
as politely as she could.
’The Dormouse is asleep again,’ said the Hatter, and he
poured a little hot tea upon its nose.
The Dormouse shook its head impatiently, and said,
without opening its eyes, ‘Of course, of course; just what I
was going to remark myself.’
’Have you guessed the riddle yet?’ the Hatter said,
turning to Alice again.
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’No, I give it up,’ Alice replied: ‘what’s the answer?’
’I haven’t the slightest idea,’ said the Hatter.
’Nor I,’ said the March Hare.
Alice sighed wearily. ‘I think you might do something
better with the time,’ she said, ‘than waste it in asking
riddles that have no answers.’
’If you knew Time as well as I do,’ said the Hatter,
‘you wouldn’t talk about wasting it. It’s him.’
’I don’t know what you mean,’ said Alice.
’Of course you don’t!’ the Hatter said, tossing his head
contemptuously. ‘I dare say you never even spoke to
Time!’
’Perhaps not,’ Alice cautiously replied: ‘but I know I
have to beat time when I learn music.’
’Ah! that accounts for it,’ said the Hatter. ‘He won’t
stand beating. Now, if you only kept on good terms with
him, he’d do almost anything you liked with the clock.
For instance, suppose it were nine o’clock in the morning,
just time to begin lessons: you’d only have to whisper a
hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling!
Half-past one, time for dinner!’
(’I only wish it was,’ the March Hare said to itself in a
whisper.)
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’That would be grand, certainly,’ said Alice
thoughtfully: ‘but then—I shouldn’t be hungry for it, you
know.’
’Not at first, perhaps,’ said the Hatter: ‘but you could
keep it to half-past one as long as you liked.’
’Is that the way you manage?’ Alice asked.
The Hatter shook his head mournfully. ‘Not I!’ he
replied. ‘We quarrelled last March—just before he went
mad, you know—’ (pointing with his tea spoon at the
March Hare,) ‘—it was at the great concert given by the
Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing
"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you’re at!’
You know the song, perhaps?’
’I’ve heard something like it,’ said Alice.
’It goes on, you know,’ the Hatter continued, ‘in this
way:—
"Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle—‘‘
Here the Dormouse shook itself, and began singing in
its sleep ‘Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle—’ and went on
so long that they had to pinch it to make it stop.
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’Well, I’d hardly finished the first verse,’ said the
Hatter, ‘when the Queen jumped up and bawled out,
‘He’s murdering the time! Off with his head!‘‘
’How dreadfully savage!’ exclaimed Alice.
’And ever since that,’ the Hatter went on in a mournful
tone, ‘he won’t do a thing I ask! It’s always six o’clock
now.’
A bright idea came into Alice’s head. ‘Is that the reason
so many tea-things are put out here?’ she asked.
’Yes, that’s it,’ said the Hatter with a sigh: ‘it’s always
tea-time, and we’ve no time to wash the things between
whiles.’
’Then you keep moving round, I suppose?’ said Alice.
’Exactly so,’ said the Hatter: ‘as the things get used up.’
’But what happens when you come to the beginning
again?’ Alice ventured to ask.
’Suppose we change the subject,’ the March Hare
interrupted, yawning. ‘I’m getting tired of this. I vote the
young lady tells us a story.’
’I’m afraid I don’t know one,’ said Alice, rather alarmed
at the proposal.
’Then the Dormouse shall!’ they both cried. ‘Wake up,
Dormouse!’ And they pinched it on both sides at once.
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The Dormouse slowly opened his eyes. ‘I wasn’t
asleep,’ he said in a hoarse, feeble voice: ‘I heard every
word you fellows were saying.’
’Tell us a story!’ said the March Hare.
’Yes, please do!’ pleaded Alice.
’And be quick about it,’ added the Hatter, ‘or you’ll be
asleep again before it’s done.’
’Once upon a time there were three little sisters,’ the
Dormouse began in a great hurry; ‘and their names were
Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie; and they lived at the bottom of a
well—’
’What did they live on?’ said Alice, who always took a
great interest in questions of eating and drinking.
’They lived on treacle,’ said the Dormouse, after
thinking a minute or two.
’They couldn’t have done that, you know,’ Alice
gently remarked; ‘they’d have been ill.’
’So they were,’ said the Dormouse; ‘very ill.’
Alice tried to fancy to herself what such an
extraordinary ways of living would be like, but it puzzled
her too much, so she went on: ‘But why did they live at
the bottom of a well?’
’Take some more tea,’ the March Hare said to Alice,
very earnestly.
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’I’ve had nothing yet,’ Alice replied in an offended
tone, ‘so I can’t take more.’
’You mean you can’t take less,’ said the Hatter: ‘it’s
very easy to take more than nothing.’
’Nobody asked your opinion,’ said Alice.
’Who’s making personal remarks now?’ the Hatter
asked triumphantly.
Alice did not quite know what to say to this: so she
helped herself to some tea and bread-and-butter, and then
turned to the Dormouse, and repeated her question. ‘Why
did they live at the bottom of a well?’
The Dormouse again took a minute or two to think
about it, and then said, ‘It was a treacle-well.’
’There’s no such thing!’ Alice was beginning very
angrily, but the Hatter and the March Hare went ‘Sh! sh!’
and the Dormouse sulkily remarked, ‘If you can’t be civil,
you’d better finish the story for yourself.’
’No, please go on!’ Alice said very humbly; ‘I won’t
interrupt again. I dare say there may be one.’
’One, indeed!’ said the Dormouse indignantly.
However, he consented to go on. ‘And so these three little
sisters—they were learning to draw, you know—’
’What did they draw?’ said Alice, quite forgetting her
promise.
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’Treacle,’ said the Dormouse, without considering at all
this time.
’I want a clean cup,’ interrupted the Hatter: ‘let’s all
move one place on.’
He moved on as he spoke, and the Dormouse followed
him: the March Hare moved into the Dormouse’s place,
and Alice rather unwillingly took the place of the March
Hare. The Hatter was the only one who got any
advantage from the change: and Alice was a good deal
worse off than before, as the March Hare had just upset
the milk-jug into his plate.
Alice did not wish to offend the Dormouse again, so
she began very cautiously: ‘But I don’t understand. Where
did they draw the treacle from?’
’You can draw water out of a water-well,’ said the
Hatter; ‘so I should think you could draw treacle out of a
treacle-well—eh, stupid?’
’But they were in the well,’ Alice said to the
Dormouse, not choosing to notice this last remark.
’Of course they were’, said the Dormouse; ‘—well in.’
This answer so confused poor Alice, that she let the
Dormouse go on for some time without interrupting it.
’They were learning to draw,’ the Dormouse went on,
yawning and rubbing its eyes, for it was getting very
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sleepy; ‘and they drew all manner of things—everything
that begins with an M—’
’Why with an M?’ said Alice.
’Why not?’ said the March Hare.
Alice was silent.
The Dormouse had closed its eyes by this time, and was
going off into a doze; but, on being pinched by the
Hatter, it woke up again with a little shriek, and went on:
‘—that begins with an M, such as mouse-traps, and the
moon, and memory, and muchness— you know you say
things are ‘much of a muchness’—did you ever see such a
thing as a drawing of a muchness?’
’Really, now you ask me,’ said Alice, very much
confused, ‘I don’t think—’
’Then you shouldn’t talk,’ said the Hatter.
This piece of rudeness was more than Alice could bear:
she got up in great disgust, and walked off; the Dormouse
fell asleep instantly, and neither of the others took the least
notice of her going, though she looked back once or
twice, half hoping that they would call after her: the last
time she saw them, they were trying to put the Dormouse
into the teapot.
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’At any rate I’ll never go there again!’ said Alice as she
picked her way through the wood. ‘It’s the stupidest teaparty
I ever was at in all my life!’
Just as she said this, she noticed that one of the trees
had a door leading right into it. ‘That’s very curious!’ she
thought. ‘But everything’s curious today. I think I may as
well go in at once.’ And in she went.
Once more she found herself in the long hall, and close
to the little glass table. ‘Now, I’ll manage better this time,’
she said to herself, and began by taking the little golden
key, and unlocking the door that led into the garden.
Then she went to work nibbling at the mushroom (she
had kept a piece of it in her pocket) till she was about a
foot high: then she walked down the little passage: and
then—she found herself at last in the beautiful garden,
among the bright flower-beds and the cool fountains.
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CHAPTER VIII: The Queen’s Croquet-
Ground
A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden:
the roses growing on it were white, but there were three
gardeners at it, busily painting them red. Alice thought this
a very curious thing, and she went nearer to watch them,
and just as she came up to them she heard one of them
say, ‘Look out now, Five! Don’t go splashing paint over
me like that!’
’I couldn’t help it,’ said Five, in a sulky tone; ‘Seven
jogged my elbow.’
On which Seven looked up and said, ‘That’s right,
Five! Always lay the blame on others!’
You’d better not talk!’ said Five. ‘I heard the Queen say
only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!’
’What for?’ said the one who had spoken first.
’That’s none of your business, Two!’ said Seven.
’Yes, it is his business!’ said Five, ‘and I’ll tell him—it
was for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions.’
Seven flung down his brush, and had just begun ‘Well,
of all the unjust things—’ when his eye chanced to fall
upon Alice, as she stood watching them, and he checked
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himself suddenly: the others looked round also, and all of
them bowed low.
’Would you tell me,’ said Alice, a little timidly, ‘why
you are painting those roses?’
Five and Seven said nothing, but looked at Two. Two
began in a low voice, ‘Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this
here ought to have been a red rose-tree, and we put a
white one in by mistake; and if the Queen was to find it
out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know. So
you see, Miss, we’re doing our best, afore she comes, to—
’ At this moment Five, who had been anxiously looking
across the garden, called out ‘The Queen! The Queen!’
and the three gardeners instantly threw themselves flat
upon their faces. There was a sound of many footsteps,
and Alice looked round, eager to see the Queen.
First came ten soldiers carrying clubs; these were all
shaped like the three gardeners, oblong and flat, with their
hands and feet at the corners: next the ten courtiers; these
were ornamented all over with diamonds, and walked two
and two, as the soldiers did. After these came the royal
children; there were ten of them, and the little dears came
jumping merrily along hand in hand, in couples: they
were all ornamented with hearts. Next came the guests,
mostly Kings and Queens, and among them Alice
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recognised the White Rabbit: it was talking in a hurried
nervous manner, smiling at everything that was said, and
went by without noticing her. Then followed the Knave
of Hearts, carrying the King’s crown on a crimson velvet
cushion; and, last of all this grand procession, came THE
KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS.
Alice was rather doubtful whether she ought not to lie
down on her face like the three gardeners, but she could
not remember ever having heard of such a rule at
processions; ‘and besides, what would be the use of a
procession,’ thought she, ‘if people had all to lie down
upon their faces, so that they couldn’t see it?’ So she stood
still where she was, and waited.
When the procession came opposite to Alice, they all
stopped and looked at her, and the Queen said severely
‘Who is this?’ She said it to the Knave of Hearts, who only
bowed and smiled in reply.
’Idiot!’ said the Queen, tossing her head impatiently;
and, turning to Alice, she went on, ‘What’s your name,
child?’
’My name is Alice, so please your Majesty,’ said Alice
very politely; but she added, to herself, ‘Why, they’re only
a pack of cards, after all. I needn’t be afraid of them!’
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’And who are these?’ said the Queen, pointing to the
three gardeners who were lying round the rosetree; for,
you see, as they were lying on their faces, and the pattern
on their backs was the same as the rest of the pack, she
could not tell whether they were gardeners, or soldiers, or
courtiers, or three of her own children.
’How should I know?’ said Alice, surprised at her own
courage. ‘It’s no business of mine.’
The Queen turned crimson with fury, and, after glaring
at her for a moment like a wild beast, screamed ‘Off with
her head! Off—’
’Nonsense!’ said Alice, very loudly and decidedly, and
the Queen was silent.
The King laid his hand upon her arm, and timidly said
‘Consider, my dear: she is only a child!’
The Queen turned angrily away from him, and said to
the Knave ‘Turn them over!’
The Knave did so, very carefully, with one foot.
’Get up!’ said the Queen, in a shrill, loud voice, and
the three gardeners instantly jumped up, and began
bowing to the King, the Queen, the royal children, and
everybody else.
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’Leave off that!’ screamed the Queen. ‘You make me
giddy.’ And then, turning to the rose-tree, she went on,
‘What have you been doing here?’
’May it please your Majesty,’ said Two, in a very
humble tone, going down on one knee as he spoke, ‘we
were trying—’
’I see!’ said the Queen, who had meanwhile been
examining the roses. ‘Off with their heads!’ and the
procession moved on, three of the soldiers remaining
behind to execute the unfortunate gardeners, who ran to
Alice for protection.
’You shan’t be beheaded!’ said Alice, and she put them
into a large flower-pot that stood near. The three soldiers
wandered about for a minute or two, looking for them,
and then quietly marched off after the others.
’Are their heads off?’ shouted the Queen.
’Their heads are gone, if it please your Majesty!’ the
soldiers shouted in reply.
’That’s right!’ shouted the Queen. ‘Can you play
croquet?’
The soldiers were silent, and looked at Alice, as the
question was evidently meant for her.
’Yes!’ shouted Alice.
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’Come on, then!’ roared the Queen, and Alice joined
the procession, wondering very much what would happen
next.
’It’s—it’s a very fine day!’ said a timid voice at her side.
She was walking by the White Rabbit, who was peeping
anxiously into her face.
’Very,’ said Alice: ‘—where’s the Duchess?’
’Hush! Hush!’ said the Rabbit in a low, hurried tone.
He looked anxiously over his shoulder as he spoke, and
then raised himself upon tiptoe, put his mouth close to her
ear, and whispered ‘She’s under sentence of execution.’
’What for?’ said Alice.
’Did you say ‘What a pity!’?’ the Rabbit asked.
’No, I didn’t,’ said Alice: ‘I don’t think it’s at all a pity.
I said ‘What for?‘‘
’She boxed the Queen’s ears—’ the Rabbit began.
Alice gave a little scream of laughter. ‘Oh, hush!’ the
Rabbit whispered in a frightened tone. ‘The Queen will
hear you! You see, she came rather late, and the Queen
said—’
’Get to your places!’ shouted the Queen in a voice of
thunder, and people began running about in all directions,
tumbling up against each other; however, they got settled
down in a minute or two, and the game began. Alice
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thought she had never seen such a curious croquet-ground
in her life; it was all ridges and furrows; the balls were live
hedgehogs, the mallets live flamingoes, and the soldiers
had to double themselves up and to stand on their hands
and feet, to make the arches.
The chief difficulty Alice found at first was in managing
her flamingo: she succeeded in getting its body tucked
away, comfortably enough, under her arm, with its legs
hanging down, but generally, just as she had got its neck
nicely straightened out, and was going to give the
hedgehog a blow with its head, it would twist itself round
and look up in her face, with such a puzzled expression
that she could not help bursting out laughing: and when
she had got its head down, and was going to begin again,
it was very provoking to find that the hedgehog had
unrolled itself, and was in the act of crawling away: besides
all this, there was generally a ridge or furrow in the way
wherever she wanted to send the hedgehog to, and, as the
doubled-up soldiers were always getting up and walking
off to other parts of the ground, Alice soon came to the
conclusion that it was a very difficult game indeed.
The players all played at once without waiting for
turns, quarrelling all the while, and fighting for the
hedgehogs; and in a very short time the Queen was in a
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furious passion, and went stamping about, and shouting
‘Off with his head!’ or ‘Off with her head!’ about once in
a minute.
Alice began to feel very uneasy: to be sure, she had not
as yet had any dispute with the Queen, but she knew that
it might happen any minute, ‘and then,’ thought she,
‘what would become of me? They’re dreadfully fond of
beheading people here; the great wonder is, that there’s
any one left alive!’
She was looking about for some way of escape, and
wondering whether she could get away without being
seen, when she noticed a curious appearance in the air: it
puzzled her very much at first, but, after watching it a
minute or two, she made it out to be a grin, and she said
to herself ‘It’s the Cheshire Cat: now I shall have
somebody to talk to.’
’How are you getting on?’ said the Cat, as soon as there
was mouth enough for it to speak with.
Alice waited till the eyes appeared, and then nodded.
‘It’s no use speaking to it,’ she thought, ‘till its ears have
come, or at least one of them.’ In another minute the
whole head appeared, and then Alice put down her
flamingo, and began an account of the game, feeling very
glad she had someone to listen to her. The Cat seemed to
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think that there was enough of it now in sight, and no
more of it appeared.
’I don’t think they play at all fairly,’ Alice began, in
rather a complaining tone, ‘and they all quarrel so
dreadfully one can’t hear oneself speak—and they don’t
seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are,
nobody attends to them—and you’ve no idea how
confusing it is all the things being alive; for instance,
there’s the arch I’ve got to go through next walking about
at the other end of the ground—and I should have
croqueted the Queen’s hedgehog just now, only it ran
away when it saw mine coming!’
’How do you like the Queen?’ said the Cat in a low
voice.
’Not at all,’ said Alice: ‘she’s so extremely—’ Just then
she noticed that the Queen was close behind her,
listening: so she went on, ‘—likely to win, that it’s hardly
worth while finishing the game.’
The Queen smiled and passed on.
’Who are you talking to?’ said the King, going up to
Alice, and looking at the Cat’s head with great curiosity.
’It’s a friend of mine—a Cheshire Cat,’ said Alice:
‘allow me to introduce it.’
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’I don’t like the look of it at all,’ said the King:
‘however, it may kiss my hand if it likes.’
’I’d rather not,’ the Cat remarked.
’Don’t be impertinent,’ said the King, ‘and don’t look
at me like that!’ He got behind Alice as he spoke.
’A cat may look at a king,’ said Alice. ‘I’ve read that in
some book, but I don’t remember where.’
’Well, it must be removed,’ said the King very
decidedly, and he called the Queen, who was passing at
the moment, ‘My dear! I wish you would have this cat
removed!’
The Queen had only one way of settling all difficulties,
great or small. ‘Off with his head!’ she said, without even
looking round.
’I’ll fetch the executioner myself,’ said the King eagerly,
and he hurried off.
Alice thought she might as well go back, and see how
the game was going on, as she heard the Queen’s voice in
the distance, screaming with passion. She had already
heard her sentence three of the players to be executed for
having missed their turns, and she did not like the look of
things at all, as the game was in such confusion that she
never knew whether it was her turn or not. So she went
in search of her hedgehog.