Brill stepped inside Scanlon’s private office, leaving
the door open. The three of us remained where we
were, staring at the telephone on the desk between
us.
Scanlon looked at Barbara, the gray eyes flinty. “I
never thought I’d use the sheriff’s office for a routine
like this. If I didn’t have a dirty hunch you could be
right, I’d lock you up.”
The Long Saturday Night — 135
She made no reply. She glanced at me and tried to
smile, but it didn’t quite come off. A minute went by.
At this hour on Sunday morning you could drive
anywhere in town in less than three minutes. It had to
be before then. Two minutes. The silence began to
roar in my ears. The room was swollen and bulging
with it, like some dark and suffocating pressure.
Three minutes. I stared at the telephone, and then
away, and back at it again. Barbara had lowered her
head, and I saw her eyes were closed. Her elbows
rested on the desk, and she was raising and lowering
her fists, so tightly clenched the knuckles were white,
bumping the heels of them gently against the wood in
some rhythmic and supplicant cadence she apparently
wasn’t aware of or didn’t know how to stop. The
telephone rang. I saw her gulp. Her shoulders shook,
and she groped for her handkerchief and pressed it
against her mouth.
December 22, 2010
The Long Saturday Night by Charles Williams 1962(page 9)
That did it. Without turning his head, Scanlon
snapped to Mulholland. “Get that girl in here.”
Mulholland went out, on the double. When Scanlon
used that tone, he meant jump, and jump fast.
I turned to George. “I realize I’m probably making
your job tougher, but it was necessary.” Obviously,
Doris’ confirmation of the telephone call to me would
nail down the two things the prosecution would be
overjoyed to prove: motive and premeditation. “But
since I didn’t kill her,” I went on, “it doesn’t make any
difference anyway.”
They all looked at me pityingly—everybody except
George. He took a cigarette from a silver case,
studied it thoughtfully as he tapped it on a thumbnail,
and said, “Well, my hands are more or less tied here,
Duke, since I can’t interfere with the investigation,
but perhaps it would have been better. . . .” He let his
voice trail off. In other words: I’ll do my best, but
you’ve probably already hanged yourself.
snapped to Mulholland. “Get that girl in here.”
Mulholland went out, on the double. When Scanlon
used that tone, he meant jump, and jump fast.
I turned to George. “I realize I’m probably making
your job tougher, but it was necessary.” Obviously,
Doris’ confirmation of the telephone call to me would
nail down the two things the prosecution would be
overjoyed to prove: motive and premeditation. “But
since I didn’t kill her,” I went on, “it doesn’t make any
difference anyway.”
They all looked at me pityingly—everybody except
George. He took a cigarette from a silver case,
studied it thoughtfully as he tapped it on a thumbnail,
and said, “Well, my hands are more or less tied here,
Duke, since I can’t interfere with the investigation,
but perhaps it would have been better. . . .” He let his
voice trail off. In other words: I’ll do my best, but
you’ve probably already hanged yourself.
The Long Saturday Night by Charles Williams 1962(page 8)
I groped my way to the bathroom. There was no
window here, and I could turn on a light. I washed the
blood off my hand. It was only a superficial cut from a
piece of that falling glass; in all the uproar I’d been so
charged with adrenalin I hadn’t even felt it. I rooted
around in his medicine chest for a Band-aid and stuck
it on, but the blood continued to ooze out around the
edges, so I wrapped a towel around it. I wouldn’t
bleed to death from a scratch like that.
There were two windows in the apartment, one in
the living room-bedroom, facing Montrose, and the
other in the kitchen, looking out into the alley. I
closed the door from the kitchen, tore a blanket off
the bed and draped it across the curtain rods of the
window in here to cut off any seepage of light, and
switched on a lamp. The furnishings were meager; it
wouldn’t take long to search the place. A dresser
stood against the front wall, next to the door going
The Long Saturday Night — 110
window here, and I could turn on a light. I washed the
blood off my hand. It was only a superficial cut from a
piece of that falling glass; in all the uproar I’d been so
charged with adrenalin I hadn’t even felt it. I rooted
around in his medicine chest for a Band-aid and stuck
it on, but the blood continued to ooze out around the
edges, so I wrapped a towel around it. I wouldn’t
bleed to death from a scratch like that.
There were two windows in the apartment, one in
the living room-bedroom, facing Montrose, and the
other in the kitchen, looking out into the alley. I
closed the door from the kitchen, tore a blanket off
the bed and draped it across the curtain rods of the
window in here to cut off any seepage of light, and
switched on a lamp. The furnishings were meager; it
wouldn’t take long to search the place. A dresser
stood against the front wall, next to the door going
The Long Saturday Night — 110
The Long Saturday Night by Charles Williams 1962(page 7)
“Yes. Probably an hour before George and I left.”
“But on the other hand, it’s almost certain she
called somebody the minute you left the house. That’s
why the line was busy when I tried to call you,
because I’m positive it was after eleven-forty-five. So
it could have been anybody. Now, remember carefully
—how long do you think it was from the time you
called George Clement until he arrived in the Sheriffs
office?”
“Not over ten minutes,” I said, and then did a
delayed take. “George?”
“But on the other hand, it’s almost certain she
called somebody the minute you left the house. That’s
why the line was busy when I tried to call you,
because I’m positive it was after eleven-forty-five. So
it could have been anybody. Now, remember carefully
—how long do you think it was from the time you
called George Clement until he arrived in the Sheriffs
office?”
“Not over ten minutes,” I said, and then did a
delayed take. “George?”
The Long Saturday Night by Charles Williams 1962(page 6)
“Long distance?”
“Yes. El Paso is calling. For Miss Bentley.”
The Long Saturday Night — 78
‘This is Miss Bentley, but—”
“Go ahead, please.”
“Hello,” I said. “Hello, Doris?” I heard her gasp. “It
took me a long time to remember where I’d heard
your voice before.”
“Who are you?” she demanded. “And what are you
talking about?”
“You know who I am, so let’s get down to cases. And
don’t hang up on me, because if you do Scanlon’s
going to pick you up. I’ve still got a friend or two
there, and he might get a tip; you didn’t invent the
anonymous telephone call.”
“Just a moment, please,” she said sweetly. I heard
her put down the phone, and then the rattle of coins
from the change dispenser.
She came back. “You wouldn’t dare! I’d tell him
where you are.”
“Try me and see. After all, they’re going to catch me
sooner or later, so I haven’t got much to lose. But you
have, haven’t you?”
“Yes. El Paso is calling. For Miss Bentley.”
The Long Saturday Night — 78
‘This is Miss Bentley, but—”
“Go ahead, please.”
“Hello,” I said. “Hello, Doris?” I heard her gasp. “It
took me a long time to remember where I’d heard
your voice before.”
“Who are you?” she demanded. “And what are you
talking about?”
“You know who I am, so let’s get down to cases. And
don’t hang up on me, because if you do Scanlon’s
going to pick you up. I’ve still got a friend or two
there, and he might get a tip; you didn’t invent the
anonymous telephone call.”
“Just a moment, please,” she said sweetly. I heard
her put down the phone, and then the rattle of coins
from the change dispenser.
She came back. “You wouldn’t dare! I’d tell him
where you are.”
“Try me and see. After all, they’re going to catch me
sooner or later, so I haven’t got much to lose. But you
have, haven’t you?”
The Long Saturday Night by Charles Williams 1962(page 5)
“I want you to send a telegram for me.”
“Hell, is that all?”
“It’s enough. Let’s see—you’re on Mountain Time
there, so send it about eight tomorrow morning,
straight wire. Phone it in from a pay phone, so there’s
no way they can trace it back to you. Got a pencil
handy?”
“Right. Commence firing.”
“TO WARREN REALTY COMPANY, CARTHAGE,
ALABAMA. IMPERATIVE YOU CONTACT LOUIS
NORMAN AGENCY NEW ORLEANS PHONE
CYPRESS FIVE EIGHT THREE TWO SEVEN
REGARDING PENDING DEAL FILE NUMBER W-511
The Long Saturday Night — 63
REPEAT WILLIAM FIVE ONE ONE STOP WILL CALL
YOU LATER SIGNED WEAVER.”
“Check.” He read it back. “Anything else I can do?”
“No,” I said. “Gracias, amigo.”
“Por nada. How bad is this thing, pal?”
“Real bad.”
“Okay. I’m holding it.”
“Hell, is that all?”
“It’s enough. Let’s see—you’re on Mountain Time
there, so send it about eight tomorrow morning,
straight wire. Phone it in from a pay phone, so there’s
no way they can trace it back to you. Got a pencil
handy?”
“Right. Commence firing.”
“TO WARREN REALTY COMPANY, CARTHAGE,
ALABAMA. IMPERATIVE YOU CONTACT LOUIS
NORMAN AGENCY NEW ORLEANS PHONE
CYPRESS FIVE EIGHT THREE TWO SEVEN
REGARDING PENDING DEAL FILE NUMBER W-511
The Long Saturday Night — 63
REPEAT WILLIAM FIVE ONE ONE STOP WILL CALL
YOU LATER SIGNED WEAVER.”
“Check.” He read it back. “Anything else I can do?”
“No,” I said. “Gracias, amigo.”
“Por nada. How bad is this thing, pal?”
“Real bad.”
“Okay. I’m holding it.”
The Long Saturday Night by Charles Williams 1962(page 4)
It was six-twenty and just growing light when I parked
the car in a lot at the New Orleans airport. I was
The Long Saturday Night — 50
hollow-eyed with fatigue and the nervous strain of
sustained highspeed driving with one eye cocked on
the mirror for the Highway Patrol, but still keyed up
mentally as I put the packet of bonds in the suitcase,
locked the car, and carried the bag into the terminal. I
had a cup of coffee at the lunchroom, asked the
cashier for some change, and headed for a telephone
booth, setting the suitcase down where I could watch
it through the door.
I dialed the long distance operator and put in a
person-to-person call to Ernie Sewell. I didn’t know
his number, but he lived on Springer Street, on the
edge of town, in a small ranch-style house he and his
wife were paying off. She worked for the county, in
the Tax Assessor’s office.
the car in a lot at the New Orleans airport. I was
The Long Saturday Night — 50
hollow-eyed with fatigue and the nervous strain of
sustained highspeed driving with one eye cocked on
the mirror for the Highway Patrol, but still keyed up
mentally as I put the packet of bonds in the suitcase,
locked the car, and carried the bag into the terminal. I
had a cup of coffee at the lunchroom, asked the
cashier for some change, and headed for a telephone
booth, setting the suitcase down where I could watch
it through the door.
I dialed the long distance operator and put in a
person-to-person call to Ernie Sewell. I didn’t know
his number, but he lived on Springer Street, on the
edge of town, in a small ranch-style house he and his
wife were paying off. She worked for the county, in
the Tax Assessor’s office.
The Long Saturday Night by Charles Williams 1962(page 3)
There was no hope of sleeping, so I filled the
percolator, measured out the coffee, and plugged it in.
When I went back to the living room I noticed idly that
one of her gloves was lying on the sofa where she’d
dropped it when I lunged at her. I’d seen it when I
came in from the hall, but had paid no attention. The
other was lying on the rug in front of the sofa. She’d
been too scared and in too big a hurry to remember
them when she’d gathered up the suitcase and purse.
It was odd, though, that Mulholland hadn’t seen them;
he’d thought the suitcase was mine. Curious, I
stepped over to the hall doorway where he’d been
standing, and looked again. The sofa was Danish teak
with pearl-gray cushions, the glove was black, and he
would have been looking straight at it. Well, he was
too busy admiring himself to notice anything.
I remembered then what George had said about my
behaving as if I were jealous of him. Could people
have actually believed that? I disliked him for the
posing and arrogant jerk he was, but it went back a
long time before the Little Theatre production of
Detective Story, and had nothing to do with it.
Anyway, there weren’t many love scenes in the play,
at least between McLeod and Mary McLeod, the two
parts they’d had. I’d objected to her being in it, but
The Long Saturday Night — 37
only because of the long hours of rehearsals, five
nights a week for over a month.
percolator, measured out the coffee, and plugged it in.
When I went back to the living room I noticed idly that
one of her gloves was lying on the sofa where she’d
dropped it when I lunged at her. I’d seen it when I
came in from the hall, but had paid no attention. The
other was lying on the rug in front of the sofa. She’d
been too scared and in too big a hurry to remember
them when she’d gathered up the suitcase and purse.
It was odd, though, that Mulholland hadn’t seen them;
he’d thought the suitcase was mine. Curious, I
stepped over to the hall doorway where he’d been
standing, and looked again. The sofa was Danish teak
with pearl-gray cushions, the glove was black, and he
would have been looking straight at it. Well, he was
too busy admiring himself to notice anything.
I remembered then what George had said about my
behaving as if I were jealous of him. Could people
have actually believed that? I disliked him for the
posing and arrogant jerk he was, but it went back a
long time before the Little Theatre production of
Detective Story, and had nothing to do with it.
Anyway, there weren’t many love scenes in the play,
at least between McLeod and Mary McLeod, the two
parts they’d had. I’d objected to her being in it, but
The Long Saturday Night — 37
only because of the long hours of rehearsals, five
nights a week for over a month.
The Long Saturday Night by Charles Williams 1962(page 2)
grabbed the telephone, and it wasn’t until the longdistance
operator was putting through the call that I
wondered what I was going to say to her. This had to
be done face to face. Well, I could tell her to come
home. The hotel switchboard answered.
“Mrs. Warren, please,” I said.
“I believe she’s checked out,” the girl replied. “One
moment, please; I’ll give you the desk.”
She’d said she was going to stay over till Sunday.
What had changed her mind so suddenly? “Desk,” a
man’s voice said.
“This is John Warren. I’m trying to reach my wife on
a very urgent matter. Could you tell me how long ago
she checked out?”
operator was putting through the call that I
wondered what I was going to say to her. This had to
be done face to face. Well, I could tell her to come
home. The hotel switchboard answered.
“Mrs. Warren, please,” I said.
“I believe she’s checked out,” the girl replied. “One
moment, please; I’ll give you the desk.”
She’d said she was going to stay over till Sunday.
What had changed her mind so suddenly? “Desk,” a
man’s voice said.
“This is John Warren. I’m trying to reach my wife on
a very urgent matter. Could you tell me how long ago
she checked out?”
The Long Saturday Night by Charles Williams 1962(page 1)
1
The day it began was January 5th. I’d gone hunting
that morning, and it was a little after one P.M. When I
got to the office.
Clebourne’s the main street, and the central
business district is about seven blocks long. Warren
Realty is in the second block from the west end, with
J.C. Penney’s on one side and Fuller’s cafe on the
other, and, except that it’s mine, it could be any smalltown
real estate office anywhere—the plate glass
window with a few of the current listings posted in it,
a split-leaf philodendron here and there, two
salesmen’s desks forever cluttered with papers, and,
as a sort of focal point like the medulla oblongata of
the human nervous system, another desk with a
typewriter, several telephones, a Notary sign, and a
girl who knows where everything is buried, including
the bodies. The girl in this case is Barbara Ryan, if girl
is the correct term for a 30-year-old divorcee. She has
reddish mahogany-colored hair that always seems a
little tousled, a wide mouth in a rather slender face,
cool blue eyes, and an air of good-natured cynicism,
as though she were still fond of the human race in
spite of the fact she no longer expected a great deal of
it. When I came in she was alone in the office,
speaking into one of the telephones.
The day it began was January 5th. I’d gone hunting
that morning, and it was a little after one P.M. When I
got to the office.
Clebourne’s the main street, and the central
business district is about seven blocks long. Warren
Realty is in the second block from the west end, with
J.C. Penney’s on one side and Fuller’s cafe on the
other, and, except that it’s mine, it could be any smalltown
real estate office anywhere—the plate glass
window with a few of the current listings posted in it,
a split-leaf philodendron here and there, two
salesmen’s desks forever cluttered with papers, and,
as a sort of focal point like the medulla oblongata of
the human nervous system, another desk with a
typewriter, several telephones, a Notary sign, and a
girl who knows where everything is buried, including
the bodies. The girl in this case is Barbara Ryan, if girl
is the correct term for a 30-year-old divorcee. She has
reddish mahogany-colored hair that always seems a
little tousled, a wide mouth in a rather slender face,
cool blue eyes, and an air of good-natured cynicism,
as though she were still fond of the human race in
spite of the fact she no longer expected a great deal of
it. When I came in she was alone in the office,
speaking into one of the telephones.
December 20, 2010
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 18)
I was worried. “What will they do to Pop?” I asked
the sheriff. “And to Miss Caroline?”
He didn’t act like he even heard me. He just stood
there with that dreamy expression on his face, and
every once in a while he would whisper, “Wonderful.”
And then, “Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.”
It was maybe five minutes before he looked around
and even noticed I was there, and then I thought of
one other thing that still puzzled me. Uncle
Sagamore had got some clothes for Miss Caroline,
but there she was wearing his old overalls. I asked
the sheriff about it
the sheriff. “And to Miss Caroline?”
He didn’t act like he even heard me. He just stood
there with that dreamy expression on his face, and
every once in a while he would whisper, “Wonderful.”
And then, “Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.”
It was maybe five minutes before he looked around
and even noticed I was there, and then I thought of
one other thing that still puzzled me. Uncle
Sagamore had got some clothes for Miss Caroline,
but there she was wearing his old overalls. I asked
the sheriff about it
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 17)
“You’re damn right he has.”
The sheriff held up his hands again. “All right. Let
me talk. You ain’t heard the half of it yet. There ain’t
no reward offered for that girl, and never has been.
You’re a bunch of suckers.”
Then Pop was climbing up on the stand.
“He’d better look out,” Murph says, real soft.
Pop was holding up his hands, and talking, but you
couldn’t hear a word he was saying because the
sheriff was drowning him out with the loudspeakers.
Then a rock flew through the air, and it just missed
Pop’s head.
“We’ll see who’s a sucker!” a man yelled in the
crowd.
Another rock went sailing past Pop.
The sheriff held up his hands again. “All right. Let
me talk. You ain’t heard the half of it yet. There ain’t
no reward offered for that girl, and never has been.
You’re a bunch of suckers.”
Then Pop was climbing up on the stand.
“He’d better look out,” Murph says, real soft.
Pop was holding up his hands, and talking, but you
couldn’t hear a word he was saying because the
sheriff was drowning him out with the loudspeakers.
Then a rock flew through the air, and it just missed
Pop’s head.
“We’ll see who’s a sucker!” a man yelled in the
crowd.
Another rock went sailing past Pop.
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 16)
the palm of your hand, and he’ll tell you anything you
want to know about it.”
Everybody cheered Uncle Sagamore. He took hold
of the microphone and shifted his tobacco over into
the other cheek, and says, “Well sir, men, I ain’t no
hand at makin’ speeches. You all know that. I’m just
goin’ to tell you I appreciate you comin’ out to help
an’ I know you’re going to be just like me. You’re
goin’ to be right here, by hell, till that girl is found.
“Now, naturally, a man can’t look all the time. We
wouldn’t expect him to. He’s got to have a little rest
now an’ then, so there’s refreshment up here, and
entertainment for when you get tired.”
want to know about it.”
Everybody cheered Uncle Sagamore. He took hold
of the microphone and shifted his tobacco over into
the other cheek, and says, “Well sir, men, I ain’t no
hand at makin’ speeches. You all know that. I’m just
goin’ to tell you I appreciate you comin’ out to help
an’ I know you’re going to be just like me. You’re
goin’ to be right here, by hell, till that girl is found.
“Now, naturally, a man can’t look all the time. We
wouldn’t expect him to. He’s got to have a little rest
now an’ then, so there’s refreshment up here, and
entertainment for when you get tired.”
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 15)
We scooted past the sound truck, and then I saw
Pop was up there. He was walking along beside the
front one of the yellow trucks, and he motioned for
them to pull off in an open place beside the ruts
about a hundred yards away. He waved for the one
with the lumber to pull off on the other side.
The one with the lumber stopped, but Uncle Finley
was already there, and before the man could even get
out he ran around back and pulled off a board about
twenty feet long and started running down the hill
towards the ark, dragging the board after him.
“Hey,” the men in the truck yelled, and took out
after him. One of them got hold of the end of the
board and started trying to take it away from him.
The other one yelled at Pop, “Who’s this crazy old
bastard? Tell him to leave this lumber alone.”
Pop was telling the drivers of the yellow trucks
where to park. He looked around and waved a hand.
That’s just Finley. Let him have the plank and he
won’t bother you no more. He’ll be all day nailing it
up.”
Pop was up there. He was walking along beside the
front one of the yellow trucks, and he motioned for
them to pull off in an open place beside the ruts
about a hundred yards away. He waved for the one
with the lumber to pull off on the other side.
The one with the lumber stopped, but Uncle Finley
was already there, and before the man could even get
out he ran around back and pulled off a board about
twenty feet long and started running down the hill
towards the ark, dragging the board after him.
“Hey,” the men in the truck yelled, and took out
after him. One of them got hold of the end of the
board and started trying to take it away from him.
The other one yelled at Pop, “Who’s this crazy old
bastard? Tell him to leave this lumber alone.”
Pop was telling the drivers of the yellow trucks
where to park. He looked around and waved a hand.
That’s just Finley. Let him have the plank and he
won’t bother you no more. He’ll be all day nailing it
up.”
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 14)
And that wasn’t all. There was a light down at the
edge of the lake by Uncle Finley’s ark, and a couple
of cars and an ambulance and a truck, and there was
six or seven men milling around. The light was
coming from gasoline lanterns they was carrying. I
cut down that way, still running, but I give out of
breath before I got there and had to slow down to a
walk.
As I came up I could see some of the men was ones
I knew. There was the sheriff and Booger and Otis
and Pearl. Booger and Pearl was helping another
man load a stretcher into the ambulance. Uncle
Sagamore and Otis and Pop was trying to unload a
rowboat off the truck. It dropped, and everybody
cussed. The sheriff was just standing around cussing
to anybody that would listen.
The Diamond Bikini— 124
I thought it was sure funny with me and Miss
Harrington lost like we was that there wouldn’t be at
least one or two of ‘em out looking for us.
I walked up to the light. “Hi, Pop,” I says, “I found
my way back.”
edge of the lake by Uncle Finley’s ark, and a couple
of cars and an ambulance and a truck, and there was
six or seven men milling around. The light was
coming from gasoline lanterns they was carrying. I
cut down that way, still running, but I give out of
breath before I got there and had to slow down to a
walk.
As I came up I could see some of the men was ones
I knew. There was the sheriff and Booger and Otis
and Pearl. Booger and Pearl was helping another
man load a stretcher into the ambulance. Uncle
Sagamore and Otis and Pop was trying to unload a
rowboat off the truck. It dropped, and everybody
cussed. The sheriff was just standing around cussing
to anybody that would listen.
The Diamond Bikini— 124
I thought it was sure funny with me and Miss
Harrington lost like we was that there wouldn’t be at
least one or two of ‘em out looking for us.
I walked up to the light. “Hi, Pop,” I says, “I found
my way back.”
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 13)
“Well, well,” he says. “What have we got here?
Looks like a whole passel of laundry. And, by golly,
here’s a cardboard box under it, where you wouldn’t
hardly notice it if you didn’t happen to be looking for
a clogged gas line. Box just settin’ there, all covered
up.”
Otis came around to that side too. They looked at
each other, real puzzled.
“What do you reckon is in there?” Otis asked.
Booger shook the box a little.
“Well, heavens to Betsy,” he says. “Listen. It sort of
gurgles. You reckon it’s surp, or perfume, or
something? Maybe it’s Channel Number Five he’s
taking to one of his lady friends.” He thought for a
minute, and then slapped his hands together. “No. I
know what it is. I bet Mr. Noonan has got some spare
gasoline in this here box.”
Looks like a whole passel of laundry. And, by golly,
here’s a cardboard box under it, where you wouldn’t
hardly notice it if you didn’t happen to be looking for
a clogged gas line. Box just settin’ there, all covered
up.”
Otis came around to that side too. They looked at
each other, real puzzled.
“What do you reckon is in there?” Otis asked.
Booger shook the box a little.
“Well, heavens to Betsy,” he says. “Listen. It sort of
gurgles. You reckon it’s surp, or perfume, or
something? Maybe it’s Channel Number Five he’s
taking to one of his lady friends.” He thought for a
minute, and then slapped his hands together. “No. I
know what it is. I bet Mr. Noonan has got some spare
gasoline in this here box.”
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 12)
“What’s that?” Uncle Sagamore asked.
“Mind you,” Dr Severance says, “I wouldn’t say this
if I didn’t know I was right. But the rabbit season
closed two weeks ago.”
“No!” Uncle Sagamore says, his mouth falling
open. “Is that a fact?” He thought for a minute, and
then he clapped his hands together, and says, “Yes,
by hell, I believe you’re right. I recollect now, I
looked it up just the other day myself.”
The Diamond Bikini— 82
“Why,” Pop says, looking at the two rabbit hunters,
“they ought to of been ashamed of theirselves, ahuntin’
rabbits out of season that way. They’re no
better than common criminals.”
“It’s people like that,” Uncle Sagamore says, “that
destroy the natural resources of a country. It’s just
disheartenin’, that’s what it is. Out here, sneakin’
around and breakin’ the laws behind people’s backs.”
Dr Severance nodded. “That’s right. And as for me,
I wouldn’t have the guts to go bothering a poor
overworked sheriff with ‘em. He’s got enough on his
mind now, protecting the citizens, and looking for
live criminals.”
“Mind you,” Dr Severance says, “I wouldn’t say this
if I didn’t know I was right. But the rabbit season
closed two weeks ago.”
“No!” Uncle Sagamore says, his mouth falling
open. “Is that a fact?” He thought for a minute, and
then he clapped his hands together, and says, “Yes,
by hell, I believe you’re right. I recollect now, I
looked it up just the other day myself.”
The Diamond Bikini— 82
“Why,” Pop says, looking at the two rabbit hunters,
“they ought to of been ashamed of theirselves, ahuntin’
rabbits out of season that way. They’re no
better than common criminals.”
“It’s people like that,” Uncle Sagamore says, “that
destroy the natural resources of a country. It’s just
disheartenin’, that’s what it is. Out here, sneakin’
around and breakin’ the laws behind people’s backs.”
Dr Severance nodded. “That’s right. And as for me,
I wouldn’t have the guts to go bothering a poor
overworked sheriff with ‘em. He’s got enough on his
mind now, protecting the citizens, and looking for
live criminals.”
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 11)
The Diamond Bikini— 65
“Good God, what a family,” she says. “Not even
eight yet—”
Then she glanced down and saw I was looking at
the vine, and she started to laugh. “Oh,” she says.
“You had me worried there for a minute.”
“It sure is nice,” I said. “I wish I had one.”
“Well, I wish you had this one,” she says.
“Why?” I asked.
“Well,” she says, “I guess I developed kind of
uneven when I was a kid. I had a place to put it
before I had sense enough not to put it there.”
I didn’t know what she was talking about, but it
didn’t seem to make any difference anyhow because I
just figured then that all the women had vines, and
that if you had one that nice it was all to the good. So
we waded out in the water, kind of slow to see how
deep it was. She’d had to pin her hair up on top of
her head with bobby pins to keep it from getting wet
because she didn’t have a swimming cap.
“Good God, what a family,” she says. “Not even
eight yet—”
Then she glanced down and saw I was looking at
the vine, and she started to laugh. “Oh,” she says.
“You had me worried there for a minute.”
“It sure is nice,” I said. “I wish I had one.”
“Well, I wish you had this one,” she says.
“Why?” I asked.
“Well,” she says, “I guess I developed kind of
uneven when I was a kid. I had a place to put it
before I had sense enough not to put it there.”
I didn’t know what she was talking about, but it
didn’t seem to make any difference anyhow because I
just figured then that all the women had vines, and
that if you had one that nice it was all to the good. So
we waded out in the water, kind of slow to see how
deep it was. She’d had to pin her hair up on top of
her head with bobby pins to keep it from getting wet
because she didn’t have a swimming cap.
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 10)
She snapped her fingers at him. “Break it up, dad,”
she says. She sauntered out the door and sat down in
one of the canvas chairs and crossed her legs.
“God, this is really back in the jungle,” she said.
“Fine climate, though,” Pop says. “Best place in the
world for anemia.”
“Well, that’s fine,” Miss Harrington said. She
brushed a gnat off her leg, and looked at Uncle
Sagamore again. “If you run across anything you’re
not sure about, Zeb, don’t hesitate to ask me.”
“Well sir,” Uncle Sagamore says to Pop, “I reckon
this is the first time I ever met up with the anemia.
You don’t suppose Bessie’d be likely to catch it?”
“I reckon not,” Pop says. “She’s probably done past
the age when she’s apt to come down with it.”
Just then Dr Severance came out with the two
drinks. He gave them to Pop and Uncle Sagamore
and sat down in the other chair.
The Diamond Bikini— 59
she says. She sauntered out the door and sat down in
one of the canvas chairs and crossed her legs.
“God, this is really back in the jungle,” she said.
“Fine climate, though,” Pop says. “Best place in the
world for anemia.”
“Well, that’s fine,” Miss Harrington said. She
brushed a gnat off her leg, and looked at Uncle
Sagamore again. “If you run across anything you’re
not sure about, Zeb, don’t hesitate to ask me.”
“Well sir,” Uncle Sagamore says to Pop, “I reckon
this is the first time I ever met up with the anemia.
You don’t suppose Bessie’d be likely to catch it?”
“I reckon not,” Pop says. “She’s probably done past
the age when she’s apt to come down with it.”
Just then Dr Severance came out with the two
drinks. He gave them to Pop and Uncle Sagamore
and sat down in the other chair.
The Diamond Bikini— 59
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 9)
She snapped her fingers at him. “Break it up, dad,”
she says. She sauntered out the door and sat down in
one of the canvas chairs and crossed her legs.
“God, this is really back in the jungle,” she said.
“Fine climate, though,” Pop says. “Best place in the
world for anemia.”
“Well, that’s fine,” Miss Harrington said. She
brushed a gnat off her leg, and looked at Uncle
Sagamore again. “If you run across anything you’re
not sure about, Zeb, don’t hesitate to ask me.”
“Well sir,” Uncle Sagamore says to Pop, “I reckon
this is the first time I ever met up with the anemia.
You don’t suppose Bessie’d be likely to catch it?”
“I reckon not,” Pop says. “She’s probably done past
the age when she’s apt to come down with it.”
Just then Dr Severance came out with the two
drinks. He gave them to Pop and Uncle Sagamore
and sat down in the other chair.
The Diamond Bikini— 59
she says. She sauntered out the door and sat down in
one of the canvas chairs and crossed her legs.
“God, this is really back in the jungle,” she said.
“Fine climate, though,” Pop says. “Best place in the
world for anemia.”
“Well, that’s fine,” Miss Harrington said. She
brushed a gnat off her leg, and looked at Uncle
Sagamore again. “If you run across anything you’re
not sure about, Zeb, don’t hesitate to ask me.”
“Well sir,” Uncle Sagamore says to Pop, “I reckon
this is the first time I ever met up with the anemia.
You don’t suppose Bessie’d be likely to catch it?”
“I reckon not,” Pop says. “She’s probably done past
the age when she’s apt to come down with it.”
Just then Dr Severance came out with the two
drinks. He gave them to Pop and Uncle Sagamore
and sat down in the other chair.
The Diamond Bikini— 59
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 8)
The sheriff jerked his head around and stared at us.
“Oh, no!” he says, like he hurt somewhere. “Oh,
Jesus, no! Not two of you! Not two Noonans in the
same county. God wouldn’t do that to anybody. I’ll—
I’ll—” He choked all up.
“Sam,” Uncle Sagamore went on, “the shurf here is
kind of worried about his men. Seems like they’ve
started sneakin’ off to drink croton oil on the sly, like
The Diamond Bikini— 52
a baby stuffin’ beans up his nose, and he’s afraid the
voters’ll get wind of it. But I was just tellin’ him he
ain’t got a thing to worry about as far as we’re
concerned. We can keep a secret as well as anybody
in the county.”
“We sure can,” Pop says. “Nobody’ll ever find it out
from us. But ain’t that kind of a funny thing for ‘em to
want to do?”
“Well, sir,” Uncle Sagamore says, “we’re not in no
position to judge, Sam. We’re not in politics. Ain’t no
way we can rightly tell what kind of a strain a man
might be under, settin’ there every day with all that
responsibility. Why, a strain like that could get so
bad after a while a man might even start to think
about gettin’ out of politics and goin’ to work, though
offhand I can’t seem to recollect of a case of one ever
crackin’ up quite as bad as that.”
The sheriff was getting a little purple around the
face now. He kept trying to talk, but it was mainly
just sputter, like steam pushing up the lid of a coffee
pot. “Sagamore Noonan!” he yells, “I—I—”
Uncle Sagamore didn’t even seem to hear him. He
just shifted his tobacco over on the other side and
shook his head sort of sad. “Politics is hard on a man,
Sam,” he says. “It always puts me in mind of Bessie’s
cousin, Peebles. Peebles was a dep’ty shurf for a long
time, till he begin to grow this here sort of mildew on
his hunkers. Just regular mildew, like you see on a
pone of bread that’s gone stale. It was a real puzzling
thing, and they couldn’t figure it out at all.
“Well sir, it went on like that for quite a spell, with
Peebles goin’ to the doctor every week or so to have
this mildew scraped off his butt, but they never could
figure out what caused it, till one day the doctor
happened to be goin’ by the courthouse durin’ office
hours an’ he’d seen what it was. Seems like they’d
put in one of them new-fangled sprinklin’ systems on
the lawn, and the edge of one of the sprays, by golly,
reached over just to the edge of Peebles’s settin’
place on the step. Well, they got to inquirin’ around,
and found out that Peebles had been home sick the
The Diamond Bikini— 53
day they’d put in the sprinkler and tried it out, and
they’d forgot to allow for him. So he’d been settin’
there all these months with his tail in that spray of
water.”
The sheriff seemed to get hold of hisself at last. His
face was still purple, but he got real quiet. He
reached down for his handkerchief and mopped his
face sort of slow and deliberate; then he took a deep
breath and put the handkerchief in his pocket and
walked over in front of Uncle Sagamore like a man
that was holding onto hisself real hard to keep from
blowing up like a stick of dynamite. He began
talking.
“Sagamore Noonan,” he says, real quiet, but still
taking those deep breaths, “when the voters elected
me sheriff for the first time ten years ago I promised
‘em I was going to make this county a decent place to
live by puttin’ you so far back in the pen it’d cost you
eight dollars to send a postcard out to the front gate.
When they re-elected me six years ago, and then
again two years ago, I promised ‘em the same thing.
They knew I was honestly tryin’, and they believed
me. They had patience, because they knew what I
was up against.
“I’m still tryin’. And some day I’m going to do it.
Some day I’m going to get enough evidence on you to
send you up the river so far your grandchildren will
be old men when you get back, and we can hold up
our heads around here and look the rest of the state
in the face.
“Sometimes I’m tempted to quit, to just throw up
the job and sell my home and go somewhere else and
start over, but then I get to thinkin’ about all the
other poor people in this county who’d have to stay
here and go on putting up with you because they
can’t sell out and leave, so I stick it out and keep
trying. It’s an obligation, I reckon. I just can’t
abandon all these defenseless people to you.
“It ain’t just a job. It’s gone beyond that. I went
into the Treasurer’s office the other day and told ‘em
they didn’t have to issue my pay-checks any more till
The Diamond Bikini— 54
I freed the county of you, and that if the people didn’t
re-elect me two years from this fall I’d go on servin’
for nothing, right along with the new sheriff, till we
got the evidence on you to put you away and we
wouldn’t be ashamed to bring innocent children into
a world where you was running around loose.
“And now that I find out there ain’t only you, that
there’s two of you here on this one farm with decent,
God-fearin’ people livin’ all around you, I’m almost
tempted to call the Governor and have him declare
martial law. There must be something on the statute
books to protect the citizens from you without havin’
to go to court with evidence of any one particular
crime.”
“It’s like I was tellin’ you, Sam,” Uncle Sagamore
says. “This shurf is a real fine man, aside from being
a little inclined to get all het up over triflin’ little
things that don’t amount to a hill of beans. Reckon
he’s got the high blood pressure. An’ then, too, it
must be kind of trying, havin’ your men sneakin’
around Pokin’ beans up their noses when you ain’t
lookin’.”
No,” Pop says. “They wasn’t poking beans up their
nose. They were drinking croton oil remember?”
“Oh, sure,” Uncle Sagamore says. “It was croton
oil, wasn’t it?”
The sheriff brought both hands up and rubbed ‘em
across his face, and he didn’t say anything for a
minute. He breathed kind of slow and heavy, but
when he took his hands away he was still quiet.
“While I’m out here,” he says to Uncle Sagamore,
“I’m going to have a look in your barn. We been
gettin’ reports from various towns that you been
doing a little shopping here and there.”
“Why, sure, Shurf,” Uncle Sagamore says. “Help
yourself, I’m always kind of proud when I done a
little shopping. The way I see it, it shows good
management when a man can have a little money left
over to buy something for hisself after he’s fed all the
goddam politicians he’s got lyin’ in his lap.”
“Come on!” the sheriff says, real cold.
The Diamond Bikini— 55
The barn was made out of logs, with split shingles
for a roof. Inside there was some stalls for the mules.
It was kind of dim, and smelled nice, just like the
stables at a race track. In one corner there was a
corncrib with a little door made out of planks.
We all stopped, and the sheriff went over and
opened the corncrib door, “Well, well,” he says,
Ebbing his hands together. “Just like I thought.”
I couldn’t see past him very well, but it looked like
a lot of sacks of something or other piled up five or
six feet high.
“Sure is a lot of awful sweet mule feed,” the sheriff
says. He started counting, pointing with his finger
and moving his lips. Uncle Sagamore leaned against
the wall and sailed out some tobacco juice.
The sheriff finished counting. He turned around
and looked at Uncle Sagamore, and he seemed to feel
a lot better. “Ninety sacks,” he says. “That’s about
the way we heard it. That was quite a little shopping
you did, here and there.”
“Well, you know how it is,” Uncle Sagamore says.
“A man’s workin’ eighteen, twenty hours a day, he
don’t get to town very often.”
“You mind lettin’ me know what you’re aiming to
do with all of it?” the sheriff asked. “Stories like that
interest me.”
“Why, no. Not at all, Shurf,” Uncle Sagamore says.
“You see, when Sam here wrote me he was comin’ to
visit a spell this summer and was bringin’ his boy, I
figured I ort to lay in a little sweetnin’. You know how
boys is. They got a sweet tooth.”
“Nine thousand pounds of sugar?” the sheriff
asked. “They must figure on staying several weeks.
Ain’t you afraid that much’d be bad for his teeth?”
Uncle Sagamore snapped his fingers. “Well sir,” he
says, “you know, I never thought of that.”
The sheriff’s face started to get purple again.
Uncle Sagamore shook his head, kind of sad.
“Imagine that,” he says. “Sure looks like the joke’s on
me, buyin’ all that sugar for nothin’.”
The Diamond Bikini— 56
Six
We walked back to the car. The sheriff opened the
door and started to get in. “Well, you just go right
ahead bein’ smart, Sagamore Noonan,” he says.
“Sooner or later you’re going to laugh on the other
side of your face. It’s here on this land, and we’re
goin’ to find it. It ain’t goin’ to be so funny then.”
“Why, did you lose something, Shurf?” Uncle
Sagamore asked. “You should have told me. Anyway,
me an’ Sam can help, you just let us know. And don’t
you fret none about us tellin’ anybody your men’s
started drinkin’ croton oil. You can depend on us.”
The sheriff said a bad cuss word and got in and
slammed the door. The car jumped ahead and made a
big turn and then went bucking up the hill. It seemed
like him and his men was always in a hurry. I thought
it wasn’t any wonder they kept running over Mr.
Jimerson’s hogs.
I wondered why Uncle Sagamore had bought all
that sugar, but I figured there wasn’t any use asking
him. Maybe I could ask Pop about it later. He might
know. But I was sure he hadn’t bought it on account
of us, like he told the sheriff, because he didn’t even
know we was coming until we’d got there.
Uncle Sagamore looked up the hill to where you
could just see Dr Severance’s trailer in the edge of
The Diamond Bikini— 57
the trees. Pop remembered then that what with that
excitable sheriff talking so much he’d forgot to tell
Uncle Sagamore about it. So he told him.
“Well, is that a fact? A hundred and twenty a
month,” Uncle Sagamore says, aiming some tobacco
juice at a grasshopper about ten feet away on the
sand. He missed him a couple inches. The
grasshopper went away, buzzing. Got the anemia,
has she?”
“That’s right,” Pop says. “She has to eat
vegetables.”
“Well sir, that’s a shame,” Uncle Sagamore says. “A
young girl, and all.”
“By the way, have we got any vegetables?” Pop
asked.
“Hmmm,” Uncle Sagamore says. “I reckon there’s
still some of Bessie’s turnips out there if the hawgs
ain’t rooted ‘em all out.”
“Well, they ought to do fine,” Pop says. “Come to
think of it, whoever seen a hawg with the anemia?”
We walked up the hill towards the trailer. It was
getting along late in the afternoon now and the
shadows of the trees was lengthening out and it was
pretty out over the lake.
Dr Severance had uncoupled the trailer from the
car and set up a striped canvas shade over the door
like a front porch. There was a couple of canvas
chairs and a little table under it, and a portable radio
on the table was playing music. It was all real nice.
Just as we walked up Dr Severance came out the
door. “Hello,” he says to Pop, and Pop introduced
him to Uncle Sagamore. He still had on the doublebreasted
suit, but he’d took off his tie and had a glass
in his hand with ice and some stuff in it.
“Would you men care for a drink?” he asked.
“Why if’n it wouldn’t put you out,” Uncle Sagamore
says.
He went back inside and we all hunkered down in
the shade. We could hear him in the trailer clinking
The Diamond Bikini— 58
glasses and ice. And just then Miss Harrington came
out of the door.
“Well, ho-ly hell!” Uncle Sagamore says, just the
way Pop had the other time.
She had changed clothes, but this little two-piece
romper outfit was just like the other one except that
instead of being white it was striped like candy. She
had on gold-colored sandals with a strap that went
between her toes, and her toenails was all painted
gold. On her wrist was a big heavy bracelet, and one
ankle had a thin gold chain around it. She rattled the
ice in the glass she was carrying, and leaned against
the door and looked at Uncle Sagamore.
“Does he hurt somewhere?” she asked Pop.
“Oh,” Pop says. “This here is my brother
Sagamore.”
“Well, I might have guessed that,” she says. There
is something about the way he looks, if you know
what I mean.”
Uncle Sagamore didn’t say anything. He just went
on staring.
“Oh, no!” he says, like he hurt somewhere. “Oh,
Jesus, no! Not two of you! Not two Noonans in the
same county. God wouldn’t do that to anybody. I’ll—
I’ll—” He choked all up.
“Sam,” Uncle Sagamore went on, “the shurf here is
kind of worried about his men. Seems like they’ve
started sneakin’ off to drink croton oil on the sly, like
The Diamond Bikini— 52
a baby stuffin’ beans up his nose, and he’s afraid the
voters’ll get wind of it. But I was just tellin’ him he
ain’t got a thing to worry about as far as we’re
concerned. We can keep a secret as well as anybody
in the county.”
“We sure can,” Pop says. “Nobody’ll ever find it out
from us. But ain’t that kind of a funny thing for ‘em to
want to do?”
“Well, sir,” Uncle Sagamore says, “we’re not in no
position to judge, Sam. We’re not in politics. Ain’t no
way we can rightly tell what kind of a strain a man
might be under, settin’ there every day with all that
responsibility. Why, a strain like that could get so
bad after a while a man might even start to think
about gettin’ out of politics and goin’ to work, though
offhand I can’t seem to recollect of a case of one ever
crackin’ up quite as bad as that.”
The sheriff was getting a little purple around the
face now. He kept trying to talk, but it was mainly
just sputter, like steam pushing up the lid of a coffee
pot. “Sagamore Noonan!” he yells, “I—I—”
Uncle Sagamore didn’t even seem to hear him. He
just shifted his tobacco over on the other side and
shook his head sort of sad. “Politics is hard on a man,
Sam,” he says. “It always puts me in mind of Bessie’s
cousin, Peebles. Peebles was a dep’ty shurf for a long
time, till he begin to grow this here sort of mildew on
his hunkers. Just regular mildew, like you see on a
pone of bread that’s gone stale. It was a real puzzling
thing, and they couldn’t figure it out at all.
“Well sir, it went on like that for quite a spell, with
Peebles goin’ to the doctor every week or so to have
this mildew scraped off his butt, but they never could
figure out what caused it, till one day the doctor
happened to be goin’ by the courthouse durin’ office
hours an’ he’d seen what it was. Seems like they’d
put in one of them new-fangled sprinklin’ systems on
the lawn, and the edge of one of the sprays, by golly,
reached over just to the edge of Peebles’s settin’
place on the step. Well, they got to inquirin’ around,
and found out that Peebles had been home sick the
The Diamond Bikini— 53
day they’d put in the sprinkler and tried it out, and
they’d forgot to allow for him. So he’d been settin’
there all these months with his tail in that spray of
water.”
The sheriff seemed to get hold of hisself at last. His
face was still purple, but he got real quiet. He
reached down for his handkerchief and mopped his
face sort of slow and deliberate; then he took a deep
breath and put the handkerchief in his pocket and
walked over in front of Uncle Sagamore like a man
that was holding onto hisself real hard to keep from
blowing up like a stick of dynamite. He began
talking.
“Sagamore Noonan,” he says, real quiet, but still
taking those deep breaths, “when the voters elected
me sheriff for the first time ten years ago I promised
‘em I was going to make this county a decent place to
live by puttin’ you so far back in the pen it’d cost you
eight dollars to send a postcard out to the front gate.
When they re-elected me six years ago, and then
again two years ago, I promised ‘em the same thing.
They knew I was honestly tryin’, and they believed
me. They had patience, because they knew what I
was up against.
“I’m still tryin’. And some day I’m going to do it.
Some day I’m going to get enough evidence on you to
send you up the river so far your grandchildren will
be old men when you get back, and we can hold up
our heads around here and look the rest of the state
in the face.
“Sometimes I’m tempted to quit, to just throw up
the job and sell my home and go somewhere else and
start over, but then I get to thinkin’ about all the
other poor people in this county who’d have to stay
here and go on putting up with you because they
can’t sell out and leave, so I stick it out and keep
trying. It’s an obligation, I reckon. I just can’t
abandon all these defenseless people to you.
“It ain’t just a job. It’s gone beyond that. I went
into the Treasurer’s office the other day and told ‘em
they didn’t have to issue my pay-checks any more till
The Diamond Bikini— 54
I freed the county of you, and that if the people didn’t
re-elect me two years from this fall I’d go on servin’
for nothing, right along with the new sheriff, till we
got the evidence on you to put you away and we
wouldn’t be ashamed to bring innocent children into
a world where you was running around loose.
“And now that I find out there ain’t only you, that
there’s two of you here on this one farm with decent,
God-fearin’ people livin’ all around you, I’m almost
tempted to call the Governor and have him declare
martial law. There must be something on the statute
books to protect the citizens from you without havin’
to go to court with evidence of any one particular
crime.”
“It’s like I was tellin’ you, Sam,” Uncle Sagamore
says. “This shurf is a real fine man, aside from being
a little inclined to get all het up over triflin’ little
things that don’t amount to a hill of beans. Reckon
he’s got the high blood pressure. An’ then, too, it
must be kind of trying, havin’ your men sneakin’
around Pokin’ beans up their noses when you ain’t
lookin’.”
No,” Pop says. “They wasn’t poking beans up their
nose. They were drinking croton oil remember?”
“Oh, sure,” Uncle Sagamore says. “It was croton
oil, wasn’t it?”
The sheriff brought both hands up and rubbed ‘em
across his face, and he didn’t say anything for a
minute. He breathed kind of slow and heavy, but
when he took his hands away he was still quiet.
“While I’m out here,” he says to Uncle Sagamore,
“I’m going to have a look in your barn. We been
gettin’ reports from various towns that you been
doing a little shopping here and there.”
“Why, sure, Shurf,” Uncle Sagamore says. “Help
yourself, I’m always kind of proud when I done a
little shopping. The way I see it, it shows good
management when a man can have a little money left
over to buy something for hisself after he’s fed all the
goddam politicians he’s got lyin’ in his lap.”
“Come on!” the sheriff says, real cold.
The Diamond Bikini— 55
The barn was made out of logs, with split shingles
for a roof. Inside there was some stalls for the mules.
It was kind of dim, and smelled nice, just like the
stables at a race track. In one corner there was a
corncrib with a little door made out of planks.
We all stopped, and the sheriff went over and
opened the corncrib door, “Well, well,” he says,
Ebbing his hands together. “Just like I thought.”
I couldn’t see past him very well, but it looked like
a lot of sacks of something or other piled up five or
six feet high.
“Sure is a lot of awful sweet mule feed,” the sheriff
says. He started counting, pointing with his finger
and moving his lips. Uncle Sagamore leaned against
the wall and sailed out some tobacco juice.
The sheriff finished counting. He turned around
and looked at Uncle Sagamore, and he seemed to feel
a lot better. “Ninety sacks,” he says. “That’s about
the way we heard it. That was quite a little shopping
you did, here and there.”
“Well, you know how it is,” Uncle Sagamore says.
“A man’s workin’ eighteen, twenty hours a day, he
don’t get to town very often.”
“You mind lettin’ me know what you’re aiming to
do with all of it?” the sheriff asked. “Stories like that
interest me.”
“Why, no. Not at all, Shurf,” Uncle Sagamore says.
“You see, when Sam here wrote me he was comin’ to
visit a spell this summer and was bringin’ his boy, I
figured I ort to lay in a little sweetnin’. You know how
boys is. They got a sweet tooth.”
“Nine thousand pounds of sugar?” the sheriff
asked. “They must figure on staying several weeks.
Ain’t you afraid that much’d be bad for his teeth?”
Uncle Sagamore snapped his fingers. “Well sir,” he
says, “you know, I never thought of that.”
The sheriff’s face started to get purple again.
Uncle Sagamore shook his head, kind of sad.
“Imagine that,” he says. “Sure looks like the joke’s on
me, buyin’ all that sugar for nothin’.”
The Diamond Bikini— 56
Six
We walked back to the car. The sheriff opened the
door and started to get in. “Well, you just go right
ahead bein’ smart, Sagamore Noonan,” he says.
“Sooner or later you’re going to laugh on the other
side of your face. It’s here on this land, and we’re
goin’ to find it. It ain’t goin’ to be so funny then.”
“Why, did you lose something, Shurf?” Uncle
Sagamore asked. “You should have told me. Anyway,
me an’ Sam can help, you just let us know. And don’t
you fret none about us tellin’ anybody your men’s
started drinkin’ croton oil. You can depend on us.”
The sheriff said a bad cuss word and got in and
slammed the door. The car jumped ahead and made a
big turn and then went bucking up the hill. It seemed
like him and his men was always in a hurry. I thought
it wasn’t any wonder they kept running over Mr.
Jimerson’s hogs.
I wondered why Uncle Sagamore had bought all
that sugar, but I figured there wasn’t any use asking
him. Maybe I could ask Pop about it later. He might
know. But I was sure he hadn’t bought it on account
of us, like he told the sheriff, because he didn’t even
know we was coming until we’d got there.
Uncle Sagamore looked up the hill to where you
could just see Dr Severance’s trailer in the edge of
The Diamond Bikini— 57
the trees. Pop remembered then that what with that
excitable sheriff talking so much he’d forgot to tell
Uncle Sagamore about it. So he told him.
“Well, is that a fact? A hundred and twenty a
month,” Uncle Sagamore says, aiming some tobacco
juice at a grasshopper about ten feet away on the
sand. He missed him a couple inches. The
grasshopper went away, buzzing. Got the anemia,
has she?”
“That’s right,” Pop says. “She has to eat
vegetables.”
“Well sir, that’s a shame,” Uncle Sagamore says. “A
young girl, and all.”
“By the way, have we got any vegetables?” Pop
asked.
“Hmmm,” Uncle Sagamore says. “I reckon there’s
still some of Bessie’s turnips out there if the hawgs
ain’t rooted ‘em all out.”
“Well, they ought to do fine,” Pop says. “Come to
think of it, whoever seen a hawg with the anemia?”
We walked up the hill towards the trailer. It was
getting along late in the afternoon now and the
shadows of the trees was lengthening out and it was
pretty out over the lake.
Dr Severance had uncoupled the trailer from the
car and set up a striped canvas shade over the door
like a front porch. There was a couple of canvas
chairs and a little table under it, and a portable radio
on the table was playing music. It was all real nice.
Just as we walked up Dr Severance came out the
door. “Hello,” he says to Pop, and Pop introduced
him to Uncle Sagamore. He still had on the doublebreasted
suit, but he’d took off his tie and had a glass
in his hand with ice and some stuff in it.
“Would you men care for a drink?” he asked.
“Why if’n it wouldn’t put you out,” Uncle Sagamore
says.
He went back inside and we all hunkered down in
the shade. We could hear him in the trailer clinking
The Diamond Bikini— 58
glasses and ice. And just then Miss Harrington came
out of the door.
“Well, ho-ly hell!” Uncle Sagamore says, just the
way Pop had the other time.
She had changed clothes, but this little two-piece
romper outfit was just like the other one except that
instead of being white it was striped like candy. She
had on gold-colored sandals with a strap that went
between her toes, and her toenails was all painted
gold. On her wrist was a big heavy bracelet, and one
ankle had a thin gold chain around it. She rattled the
ice in the glass she was carrying, and leaned against
the door and looked at Uncle Sagamore.
“Does he hurt somewhere?” she asked Pop.
“Oh,” Pop says. “This here is my brother
Sagamore.”
“Well, I might have guessed that,” she says. There
is something about the way he looks, if you know
what I mean.”
Uncle Sagamore didn’t say anything. He just went
on staring.
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 7)
“That’s sweet of you.”
Dr Severance butted in. “Miss Harrington’s anemia
is the very worst kind. It doesn’t show. That’s what
makes it so hard to diagnose and cure. Just looking at
her you wouldn’t think she had anything, would
you?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that,” Pop says.
“Look,” Miss Harrington says to the doctor, “what’s
with this Hiram type, anyway? We going to adopt
him, or something? Tell him to go fry a hush-puppy
and let’s get the hell out of here.”
The Diamond Bikini— 46
“Keep your shirt on,” Dr Severance told her. “Mr.
Noonan is going to rent us a camping place on his
farm.”
Miss Harrington yawned. “Well, goody.”
“You’ll have absolute rest and quiet, and lots of
fresh leafy vegetables.”
“Just what I always wanted,” she says.
Dr Severance butted in. “Miss Harrington’s anemia
is the very worst kind. It doesn’t show. That’s what
makes it so hard to diagnose and cure. Just looking at
her you wouldn’t think she had anything, would
you?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that,” Pop says.
“Look,” Miss Harrington says to the doctor, “what’s
with this Hiram type, anyway? We going to adopt
him, or something? Tell him to go fry a hush-puppy
and let’s get the hell out of here.”
The Diamond Bikini— 46
“Keep your shirt on,” Dr Severance told her. “Mr.
Noonan is going to rent us a camping place on his
farm.”
Miss Harrington yawned. “Well, goody.”
“You’ll have absolute rest and quiet, and lots of
fresh leafy vegetables.”
“Just what I always wanted,” she says.
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 6)
* * *
Well, after Booger and Otis had come out of the trees
and got back in their car and left, Uncle Sagamore
backed his truck out of the shed by the barn. Him
and Pop loaded the tannery tubs on it and took them
off in the timber back of the cornfield.
The Diamond Bikini— 39
“Think they been in the sun long enough for now,”
he says. “This leather-making is ticklish business. Got
to let it age just right, part of the time up there in the
sun, and then down here in the shade for a few
days.”
I wondered why they had to be clear up there
beside the house just to be in the sun, but I didn’t say
anything. This didn’t seem like much of a place for
having your questions answered.
Uncle Sagamore and Pop talked it over about us
staying there for the summer and Uncle Sagamore
said it would be fine, only we’d have to kind of
provision ourselves. He said he’d been so taken up
with his tannery work this spring he’d forgot to plant
any garden, and the chickens always quit laying
when he brought his tubs up to the house to age in
the sun.
Well, after Booger and Otis had come out of the trees
and got back in their car and left, Uncle Sagamore
backed his truck out of the shed by the barn. Him
and Pop loaded the tannery tubs on it and took them
off in the timber back of the cornfield.
The Diamond Bikini— 39
“Think they been in the sun long enough for now,”
he says. “This leather-making is ticklish business. Got
to let it age just right, part of the time up there in the
sun, and then down here in the shade for a few
days.”
I wondered why they had to be clear up there
beside the house just to be in the sun, but I didn’t say
anything. This didn’t seem like much of a place for
having your questions answered.
Uncle Sagamore and Pop talked it over about us
staying there for the summer and Uncle Sagamore
said it would be fine, only we’d have to kind of
provision ourselves. He said he’d been so taken up
with his tannery work this spring he’d forgot to plant
any garden, and the chickens always quit laying
when he brought his tubs up to the house to age in
the sun.
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 5(2))
“Well, it’s like this,” Uncle Sagamore says.
“Every once in a while, maybe twice a year, Bessie
gets all galled under the britchin’ about something
and starts faunchin’ around here sayin’ she’s takened
all she can take, she just ain’t goin’ to put up with me
no longer, ain’t nobody could live with me. Usually
over some triflin’ little thing that don’t amount to a
hill of beans, like I won’t wash my feet or something,
but she gets all swole up like a snakebit pup and says
she’s leavin’ me for good this time. So she packs her
suitcase and gets her egg money and walks down to
Jimerson’s which is on the party line and calls Bud
Watkins that runs the taxi in town, and Bud comes
after her. She gets on the bus and goes down to
Glencove to stay with her Cousin Viola, the one that
married Vergil Talley.
“Every once in a while, maybe twice a year, Bessie
gets all galled under the britchin’ about something
and starts faunchin’ around here sayin’ she’s takened
all she can take, she just ain’t goin’ to put up with me
no longer, ain’t nobody could live with me. Usually
over some triflin’ little thing that don’t amount to a
hill of beans, like I won’t wash my feet or something,
but she gets all swole up like a snakebit pup and says
she’s leavin’ me for good this time. So she packs her
suitcase and gets her egg money and walks down to
Jimerson’s which is on the party line and calls Bud
Watkins that runs the taxi in town, and Bud comes
after her. She gets on the bus and goes down to
Glencove to stay with her Cousin Viola, the one that
married Vergil Talley.
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 5(1))
“Uh—not exactly,” Uncle Sagamore says. “You see,
you kind of make her up yourself. They send you this
powder, whatever it is, and you mix it right at home.
There may be just a teensy smell of alcohol about it,
but don’t let that fool you. It’s just because the only
thing I had to dissolve it in was some old patent
medicine of Bessie’s.”
“Well, imagine that!” the moustache one says. “A
little smell of alcohol. Who would have suspected a
thing like that?”
The gold-tooth one picked the jar up and held it
under his nose. The other one looked at him.
“Can’t smell nothing with that stink out there,” he
says. “But, hell, we know what it is.”
“I tell you it’s just a remedy, boys,” Uncle
Sagamore says. “You wouldn’t want to take that in to
the health department. They’d laugh at you.”
The Diamond Bikini— 26
you kind of make her up yourself. They send you this
powder, whatever it is, and you mix it right at home.
There may be just a teensy smell of alcohol about it,
but don’t let that fool you. It’s just because the only
thing I had to dissolve it in was some old patent
medicine of Bessie’s.”
“Well, imagine that!” the moustache one says. “A
little smell of alcohol. Who would have suspected a
thing like that?”
The gold-tooth one picked the jar up and held it
under his nose. The other one looked at him.
“Can’t smell nothing with that stink out there,” he
says. “But, hell, we know what it is.”
“I tell you it’s just a remedy, boys,” Uncle
Sagamore says. “You wouldn’t want to take that in to
the health department. They’d laugh at you.”
The Diamond Bikini— 26
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 4)
“Yeah, but what are we going to do? Sagamore
ain’t here. He’s probably been drafted. Nobody
around here except that old squirrel down there
The Diamond Bikini— 19
hammering boards together. Nowhere else around
here we can go.”
Right behind us somebody said, “Howdy, Sam.”
We whirled around, and there was a man standing
in the front door, leaning against the jamb with a
shotgun hanging in the crook of his arm. I just stared
at him. I couldn’t figure out how he’d got there. The
house had been empty less than a minute ago. And
we hadn’t heard a sound.
ain’t here. He’s probably been drafted. Nobody
around here except that old squirrel down there
The Diamond Bikini— 19
hammering boards together. Nowhere else around
here we can go.”
Right behind us somebody said, “Howdy, Sam.”
We whirled around, and there was a man standing
in the front door, leaning against the jamb with a
shotgun hanging in the crook of his arm. I just stared
at him. I couldn’t figure out how he’d got there. The
house had been empty less than a minute ago. And
we hadn’t heard a sound.
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 3)
The man didn’t even look around.
“Hey, you, up there!” Pop yells.
The man just went on hammering. Pop and I just
looked at each other. We got out of the car, and Sig
Freed jumped out and started running around,
stopping now and then to look up at the man and
bark.
Pop reached in and honked the horn. The man
didn’t pay any mind. In a minute he stopped
The Diamond Bikini— 14
hammering and leaned back a little to look at the
board. He shook his head and started pulling it loose
with his claw hammer. He moved it over a couple of
inches and nailed it down again.
Pop went wonk! wonk! wonk! on the horn. The man
looked at his board again, but he didn’t like it there
either and started pulling it loose once more. The
board was getting chewed up by now.
“We ain’t getting anywhere here,” Pop says,
rubbing his hand across his face. “We want to talk to
him, I guess we got to go up there.”
Pop climbed up the ladder and got on the scaffold. I
went up behind him. We could see the man from the
side here, which was a little better than not seeing
anything but his back.
“Hey, you, up there!” Pop yells.
The man just went on hammering. Pop and I just
looked at each other. We got out of the car, and Sig
Freed jumped out and started running around,
stopping now and then to look up at the man and
bark.
Pop reached in and honked the horn. The man
didn’t pay any mind. In a minute he stopped
The Diamond Bikini— 14
hammering and leaned back a little to look at the
board. He shook his head and started pulling it loose
with his claw hammer. He moved it over a couple of
inches and nailed it down again.
Pop went wonk! wonk! wonk! on the horn. The man
looked at his board again, but he didn’t like it there
either and started pulling it loose once more. The
board was getting chewed up by now.
“We ain’t getting anywhere here,” Pop says,
rubbing his hand across his face. “We want to talk to
him, I guess we got to go up there.”
Pop climbed up the ladder and got on the scaffold. I
went up behind him. We could see the man from the
side here, which was a little better than not seeing
anything but his back.
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 2)
The uniformed man followed him, squeezing his
way through the cars and getting redder in the face
all the time. “Here, nice doggie,” he says. “Here, Sig
Freed. Nice Sig Freed. I’ll kick your teeth in, you
dumb sausage bastard.”
But Sig Freed turned and ran down the middle of
the street towards us and the next thing I knew he
was under our car. The traffic was beginning to move
a little now and the people behind us was blowing
their horns and calling Pop a knucklehead, and I was
afraid Pop would start up with him under there, so I
jumped out and crawled in after him. He grinned at
me, and yawned, and licked me on the face.
way through the cars and getting redder in the face
all the time. “Here, nice doggie,” he says. “Here, Sig
Freed. Nice Sig Freed. I’ll kick your teeth in, you
dumb sausage bastard.”
But Sig Freed turned and ran down the middle of
the street towards us and the next thing I knew he
was under our car. The traffic was beginning to move
a little now and the people behind us was blowing
their horns and calling Pop a knucklehead, and I was
afraid Pop would start up with him under there, so I
jumped out and crawled in after him. He grinned at
me, and yawned, and licked me on the face.
The Diamond Bikini by Charles Williams(page 1)
The Diamond Bikini
by
Charles Williams
1956
One
Oh, that was a fine summer, all right.
Like Pop says, farms are wholesome, and you just
naturally couldn’t find a wholesomer one than Uncle
Sagamore’s. There was a lake where you could catch
real fish, and I had a dog, and there was all the
rabbit hunters with tommy guns, and Miss
Harrington. She was real nice, and she taught me
how to swim.
Miss Harrington? Oh, she was the one with the vine
there was such a hullaballoo about. You remember. It
was in all the papers. It was a tattooed vine, with
little blue leaves, winding around her off bosom like a
path going up a hill, and it had a pink rose right in
the center. Pop raised hell with me because I didn’t
tell him about it sooner but, heck, how did I know
everybody didn’t have one? I just sort of took it for
granted the Welfare ladies had vines on theirs too,
by
Charles Williams
1956
One
Oh, that was a fine summer, all right.
Like Pop says, farms are wholesome, and you just
naturally couldn’t find a wholesomer one than Uncle
Sagamore’s. There was a lake where you could catch
real fish, and I had a dog, and there was all the
rabbit hunters with tommy guns, and Miss
Harrington. She was real nice, and she taught me
how to swim.
Miss Harrington? Oh, she was the one with the vine
there was such a hullaballoo about. You remember. It
was in all the papers. It was a tattooed vine, with
little blue leaves, winding around her off bosom like a
path going up a hill, and it had a pink rose right in
the center. Pop raised hell with me because I didn’t
tell him about it sooner but, heck, how did I know
everybody didn’t have one? I just sort of took it for
granted the Welfare ladies had vines on theirs too,
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